This week, the Heave staff was asked:
What’s something that the Grammys could do to get you to tune in again?
If the Grammys was an awards show for movies. Or the world’s best grandmothers.
Honestly, I’m really not sure they could do anything. Most award shows are useless, but the Grammys are even more useless than most. I don’t know, maybe if they paid me to watch or something?
I’m not even kidding when I say that I had to think for a minute to remember what the Grammys are for. So I’d say they’re probably well past the point where they could have been saved.
Bring back the live gladiatorial combat. I might just be old fashioned, but watching a dude in a loincloth get mauled to death by a tiger while Lorde sang “Royals” would have given the whole affair a certain understated elegance I found missing in her performance.
Have more real musicians. There are a lot of crappy no-talent hacks that have no business being called musicians. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, then sit down, because I have some bad news for you: you’re deaf. Good to see Daft Punk win, but they should have performed way more cause then I would have watched more. I was watching the Pro Bowl (really good this year) and have this thing called the internet where I can see who won and watch other performances. Queens of the Stone Age with Dave Grohl on drums at the end? How about for half an hour, maybe then I’d watch.
Some sort of battle royal setup for Album of the Year. I bet Daft Punk would fuckin’ WRECK Taylor Swift.
If they just stop having repetitive winners all throughout the show and diversify the categories and what is shown on TV, I might give it another shot. So many repeat winners getting TV time gets annoying, yet so many categories aren’t even on the main show. Let’s mix it up a bit!
Aside from awarding actual music, I’d love to see Chris Brown castrated and his testicles auctioned off, with all proceeds donated to programs that promote the musical arts in schools.
More excessive performances. I tend to regard the Grammys the same way I do the Oscars, in that it’s an awards show in which an organization tries to sustain its diminishing bits of cultural relevance and often misses the mark, but fuck it, the pageantry is fun. So on that basis, I want everything to be as absurd as last night’s show was. Have Macklemore marry off double the couples next year. Have A$AP Rocky and Bastille re-enact the Battle of Manassas while playing a medley of “Pompeii” and “Goldie.” Just escalate.