This week, the Heave staff was asked:
If you were a contestant in the Hunger Games, what would be your tactical approach?
I’d hole up in some hiding place, and then create a one-man puppet show so engaging that viewers would be compelled to send me gifts so that they could see the conclusion.
What the hell is a hunger game? An eating contest?
Dig a hole, lay down in the hole pretending to be dead, wait till someone looks in the hole, trip wire so a log knocks said onlooker into hole, eat onlooker. Works every…I assume it works every time.
I’d bore the other tributes to death with my innate yet useless knowledge of baseball statistics. Once I get going on who led the 1999 Cubs in OBP, OPS+ SB, BB, BA, SO, HR, RBI, H, 2B, 3B and WAR, I’m a shoe-in.
Never having had to defend myself in a life-or-death battle, I’m not sure how adept I would be with a crossbow. I run marathons, though, and I’m pretty strong. So I guess run away from my opponents until they die of exhaustion, and if that fails kick them in the face?
I’d be District Four’s Annie, hiding somewhere and listening to the cannons go off until everyone sorted everyone else out and I was declared victorious via process of elimination. Because what’s my alternative option? I have the upper body strength of a child, and the only athletic trophy I’ve won in my life was an obligatory tee-ball trophy when I was five years old, on which both of my last names were misspelled.