For lack of simpler description, Rambling Dispatches is the sanctified space every Thursday on Heave in which Quinn McGee rants and rambles about whatever he damn well pleases. This week: Assassin’s Creed and splitting Mockingjay, the final Hunger Games novel, in two.
The world of movies is an interesting place, especially if you are me and will really watch anything that comes out. I have watched movies from different genres, and I still don’t understand how the word “genre” on paper is supposed to sound like it is pronounced. Sorry, I just had to vent that, since it has always bugged me, and the “wonderful” English program I learned to spell from taught me how to spell as things sounded, so spelling that right would never happen on a normal day. Anyway, while I pride myself on the fact that I will try any movie once, especially romantic comedies, which I frequently watch alone, I know that I am no scientist in this field at all. That being said, I did hear two interesting things in the movie world that I would like to talk about. One of these is the fact that the final Hunger Games film, Mockingjay, will appear as two separate movies. The second thing is the news that Michael Fassbender will be taking the lead role in the upcoming Assassin’s Creed movie, and that isn’t the only reason I am excited about it.
So about that Hunger Games movie: why the hell is that getting two movies? I have yet to see the first Hunger Games, I will admit, but I have read all of the books. It’s because I have read all the books that this move for two separate movies for the final book perplexes me. That book was under 400 pages long. I won’t go into details of what is happening in the book, but that alone shows that it isn’t really long enough for two movies. And I know you are yelling at the screen that Twilight will have a two-part series ender, and so did Harry Potter. You’re absolutely right that they do, but do you remember the size of those books? Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows is around 800 pages long, and the movie has an almost seamless transition from movie one to movie two. It was brilliantly done, in my opinion, and kind of warranted the split. Now with Breaking Dawn, I will shamefully admit I read that, and also admit that it required two movies to tell its tale. I didn’t enjoy the book, but I am not bashing it and there is a natural transition in my opinion for a two-part movie. It was long as hell.
My issue comes when a short book gets a two-part movie. I can’t even think of a part to split Mockingjay in two. There’s maybe one part, but it’d be grasping at straws and it would leave one of the movies kind of lacking in story. It’s times like this that I hate this whole money-grabbing mentality of the movie industry. It’s not a lack of time to tell the tale, it’s a potential for more revenue. Look at The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. That was one movie, albeit long as shit, and there was twice the story in that book that Mockingjay has. The movie did exactly what it had to do in the time it took, but all in one movie. I would love to hear exactly why Mockingjay requires two movies, with a reason other than a pure money grab, though I would respect their honesty if they just said it was that.
And on to the second part, in which I get to talk about Michael Fassbender. Part of this article exists so I can talk about this man in general, and also talk about his genitals. So I watched Shame over the weekend, and I got to see more of the man than I expected, by which I mean his penis. The man is packing heat, which ruined a lot of things for me. I always pictured Magneto with a smaller-than-average dick, the knowledge of which turned him into a supervillan. I guess that boyhood thinking is gone for good. That’s not the whole reason why I am here, but seriously, he is the lead of the new Assassin’s Creed movie. Won’t that thing get in the way during all the parkour sequences he will probably have to do? Oh sorry, I get distracted. In all seriousness, I think he is fantastic for the role. He is a great actor, and he could make a great assassin or whatever character they decide is the main character.
Another thing that makes me excited about this film is the fact that it is being created by a branch of Ubisoft, the makers of the Assassin’s Creed franchise. They funded and staffed a branch just for making media out of games they created. Do you understand how optimistic this makes me? We won’t get another Prince of Persia-gone-Disney fiasco, which if you haven’t seen that, you only should if there is a drinking game involved. A movie created by the developers is a thing of beauty. What’s more, they are trying to make it as privately funded as possible, so fewer big-name movie studios have any say at all. So far, all I have read is that the only big corporation with a stake is Sony, and that’s only distribution. The game has fantastic potential for a movie, and Ubisoft is heading in the right direction when it comes to keeping integrity in its first movie venture.