In honor of The Hunger Games, this week Heave’s staff considers:
If you had to enter the Hunger Games, what would be your battle strategy?
Hide. And try not to be the guy who gets eaten.
Though I am partial to the Peeta strategy of “paint yourself like a rock and wait,” I doubt I have the will power to stay still for that long. Also, how did he relieve himself? Did that lend to the convincingly natural musky odor? Was self-messing a part of his camouflage? That’s a no-go for me. I think I would just allow bro instincts (or brinstincts, if you will) to kick in. I would join a herd of sword-wielding d-bags, then wait until nightfall to kill them in their sleep. I would then hide by myself until the elements took everyone else out, maybe befriending a deer or lizard in the meantime.
I would probably end up eating a handful of nightlock. But my strategy would be to make my fellow tribute fall in love with me. It seems to work out pretty well.
I’d be the Kevin McAllister of the Arena. I would set silly-yet-elaborate traps as though Joe Pesci were pursuing me. Only, you know, these traps would kill the shit out of everyone. And I don’t know if I’d be able to make pigeons attack the other contestants.
I want to say my strategy would also be “hide as long as possible,” but I know myself better than that. I would totally become one of the bully pack – killing people off who don’t join our small clique, and then getting the men in the group to fall in love with me and kill off the women. Then I will poison said men and win EVERYTHING. This is the Hunger Games people, THERE ARE NO FRIENDS.