This week, the Heave staff was asked:
It’s eerily warm in Chicago given the time of year. What are you doing to stop global warming?
We have a recycling bin, fluorescent bulbs and my dad drives a hybrid. And I got him the DVD of An Inconvenient Truth for Christmas last year.
Farting. A lot. Call me a one-man space heater. You’re welcome, Earth.
Definitely masturbating less frequently.
I don’t think it’s stoppable. But to ease the process…Chuck Norris.
I’m spraying aerosol products into the air, because they always come out cold. If you can spray something colder into the air, it makes everything a little colder, right? Also I’m using my freezer to make ice cubes that I’m throwing directly into the lake. Maybe cooling the lake will fix everything. Sure, people stare at the unbathed man throwing ice in the lake, spraying Lysol into the air and yelling “Fuck off sunlight!,” but what are they doing?
This is really lame, but one of my New Years resolutions is to be more sustainable in my eating habits. Making things when I want them, shopping local, eating all the food in my fridge without it turning into a weird mossy growth. All that hippie green shit.
Don’t get me started on this; I coordinated the environmental group at my college for three years. I reuse what I can and recycle what I can’t (and try to compost, but that’s hard in the city), set the heat to “frigid” at night, unplug my electronics while I’m not using them and purchase low-impact foods and other products as much as possible. I also bike, walk and use public transit instead of driving, although admittedly this is partially just because I’m poor. And I will talk about climate science to anyone who will listen to me, but somehow no one ever actually asks me for that.
I don’t know, man. Everyone in L.A. right now is talking about how cold it is, so global warming can go fuck itself in general.
Al Gore and I are going to team up like Captain Planet and his scruffy, unshaven sidekick in order to fight off global warming, which I tend to imagine as a Mothra-like beast whenever I start thinking about it. He just doesn’t know it yet.