This week, the Heave staff was asked:
The Winter Olympics wrapped up yesterday. In honor of this, what’s a common Chicago event that you think is worthy of Olympic consideration in the future?
Dollar Taco Biathlon. Participants must race a circuit of 8-10 taco/burrito restaurants, eating a taco at each location. Must not vomit and finish 1st to win. But does anyone really win there?
Hot dogs. Just put them in the Olympics. Not really competitive, let’s just honor the beef logs.
Shooting teenagers would be a really great event. The U.S. would be favored, but we would have stiff competition from the rest of the world. Or killing dogs. That’d be a fun event. Though Russia would probably be favored, seeing as how they just committed dog genocide for these Olympic Games.
Powersliding across an icy sidewalk like you’re Tom Cruise in Risky Business, because if you can shave ten seconds off your walking time you’ll catch your bus and won’t be late for work.
Malort chugging. Ugh.
Running after the bus seems like the obvious choice, but no one would ever win. I think it could still be a competitive event, though. For accuracy to real life, they could have variations where you have to dodge drunk people and slow walkers, and where you have to load up your Ventra card first but the machine won’t read your card.
Strategic pothole avoidance.
Sidewalk parkour. You have to traverse a quarter mile worth of sidewalk while only walking on the snow embankments on each side so as to avoid eating shit. Points are given based on avoidance, style, balance, and how little profanity you can use while doing it. Eventually we can expand into the competition involving the holding of grocery bags.