This week, the Heave staff was asked:
In light of Mitt Romney’s comments about Big Bird during last week’s debates, who’s one famous person/character you’d pick a fight with on national television, and why?
I’d totally fight Chris Brown on national TV. I don’t believe an explanation is necessary.
I’d pick a fight with Waldo. I’d ask him upfront what he’s hiding from, and why he wears candy stripes if he’s trying to blend in. I’d say something like “Okay, we found him. Again. Now Waldo, stay there, okay? Don’t move a muscle, you sneaky bastard.
Any of the exalted wizards on Fox News will do.
I think I’d throw down with Ryan Murphy. Something about his overzealous political correctness (that borders on the offensive) really rubs me the wrong way. I don’t like that rushed writing and stock characters are rewarded with television show after television show these days. Then again, I probably shouldn’t say that, because knowing Murphy’s reputation he’d probably accuse me of a hate crime and being homophobic. Is there such a thing as homo-on-homo hate crime? Eh, I guess that’s a question for another day, but yeah, definitely Ryan Murphy.
Alan Rickman. He’d never see it coming.
If there were one character I’d pick a fight with on TV, it would be Joffrey Baratheon, from my beloved Game of Thrones. Joffrey is a blonde-haired, hawk-nosed, harbinger of death. He’s also the (ostensible) King of the Iron Throne in Westeros. He’s the spawn of incest and, in a phrase, a little shit. In comparison to another book-to-screen sensation, the Harry Potter series, he’s the uber-Malfoy. Both are blonde, privileged and basically evil little shits. But while Malfoy is angsty and annoying, Joffrey is a sadist, and his whims lend themselves to torture and death. Malfoy generally cowers and gets cold feet in the face of an act with dire consequence. Though Joffrey is a bit of a coward and weak himself, he makes up for it by being a complete psycho. Undeserved power + homicidal tendencies + being a little shit makes Joffrey Baratheon a clear choice to have in a most-want-to-fight-to-the-death situation.
Coors Light. That asshole is always getting overly involved in Ice Cube’s business. Dude just wants to lay down some bars in the studio, and he can’t work because Coors Light just has to show up and throw a raucous party.