Culture

All The 2013 TV You Lied About Watching

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You lying bastard. You didn’t watch the series finale of Breaking Bad, did you? You gave up on Girls after the pilot, and the only reason you got Netflix wasn’t to watch Orange is the New Black or House of Cards, but to watch season two of Buffy…again. This year, there was/is too much television, good television, to keep up with. We have jobs, school, rehearsals, deadlines, kids, gym memberships, and other social obligations keeping us too busy to watch another critically acclaimed, one-hour drama everyone’s tweeting and updating their statuses about. But you want to be hip and sophisticated, don’t you? That’s why you BS’d through conversations and lied about watching these 13 TV shows:

13.)  Scandal – Kerry Washington is pretty and in control, and Tony Goldwyn is…Goldwyn-y. So much sex and beloved characters in peril, political intrigue, beloved characters in peril, cover-ups, beloved characters in peril…I can’t believe the creator of Grey’s Anatomy is behind this show too!

*12) The 85th Academy Awards – The musical number that opened the show cleverly incorporated mentions of the Best Picture nominees. I thought the host was okay. That joke about Ben Affleck killed! You knew that person would get the most applause during the In Memoriam segment. The show was WAYYYY too long! I can’t believe they played that person off while they were thanking their agents! Dicks!

11) Masters of Sex – This takes place in the wholesome ’50s, so you know even saying “vagina” in public can get you arrested. That sexually repressed character is gonna have an awakening. Plus, there’s such tasteful nudity…in the name of science!

*10) Orphan Black – She can play so many characters! My favorite clone is the bad one.

9) Homeland – Claire Danes’ performance is so subtle. She’s a strong, professional, mentally stable role model for women. I could watch anything involving her, CIA jargon, teen angst, government assassins and terrorism threats all day. And I love it whenever they let Mandy Patinkin sing!

*8 ) Girls – I know it’s HBO, but I can’t believe they did that thing on TV! Groundbreaking and original. I really hope they get back together. That guy with the weird facial hair is such a hipster douche. That girl is so selfish sometimes.

*7) The Walking Dead – They were really desperate to go over there and get that thing done. It’s the zombie apocalypse after all, I guess. And as hard as it is to imagine, those two managed to find love in this nightmare. BTW, how stupid was that person to get bit by that zombie? The zombies are slow. Just run, idiot.

*6) Orange is the New Black – This show was really funny. Nothing poignant, heartbreaking or too serious. Just the typical, wacky hijinks you’d expect from a show that’s mostly set in prison. This came from the same creator as Weeds, so you knew there’d be a white, female lead character slipping in and out of trouble, and satire of sheltered yuppie lifestyles. The scene where she had to eat the cafeteria food was hilarious and gross. I want to go to prison!

*5) Mad Men – That was a really inappropriate thing they did at the office. But hey, they won the account! You know that woman’s never gonna get the respect she deserves. That couple’s marriage is really on the rocks. The world’s changing. They may have to hire TWO black people at the firm!

4) Downton Abbey – The show got real deep and exciting this year. PBS is awesome! I love not worrying about commercials! I hope the war never ends! The costuming is time-appropriate and so British. That woman dying was heartbreaking, but polio probably would’ve gotten her anyway. The episode with the tea was my favorite.

*3) Breaking Bad – This was the last season, so you knew there’d be more meth cooking and tracks covered than usual. That guy’s wife was such a selfish bitch for yelling at him about all the money he’s making. He’s a badass. It’s not like her and her family’s lives were in danger. What a ball and chain.

*2) Game of Thrones – Did you see the “Red Wedding” episode?! Like…unbelievable! There were swords and killing and lots of blood. That’s why it’s called “The Red Wedding,” because it’s the color of blood, stupid. I still can’t believe they killed off him and his mom. They’d been there from the beginning! WHY?!! WHY WASN’T THERE A SERIES OF BOOKS AVAILABLE TO SEE THAT THIS WAS COMING!!

*1) 2013 MTV Video Music Awards – Eww. I can’t believe Miley Cyrus did that. What a terrible example she’s setting for the girls already exposed to hours of Teen Mom16 and Pregnant, and Rob Dyrdek? Lady Gaga looked ridiculous in that attention-grabbing, outrageous outfit, didn’t she? I can’t believe they paired that well-known person with that other well-known person from a completely different profession to present Video of the Year! And no way did I have to Google all the performers’ names. Nope.

*Things I actually watched