Culture

Bit Slap: The ten stages of console consumerism

nintendo-3ds-conference-screenshot03

On Tuesday, June 5th, 2012 I became the proud owner of a shiny red 3DS. I held out as long as I could, but who was I kidding? If there is a console, I’m going to own it. My Dreamcast is testament to that. Like any console purchase, launch day or otherwise, I went through what I have dubbed the “Ten Stages of Console Consumerism.” Think of them like the stages of grief, but without the tragically violent death of a loved one (unless that death gives you the cash to jump start the buying process. Thanks, Grandma!).

Craving
I hate my stupid DSi, it’s black matte and has fingerprints and can’t play my GBA games and is just a huge pile of crap. Everyone who is anyone has a 3DS now. They’re all playing Pushmo and 3D remakes of Nintendo 64 games. If I want to see 3D I have to wear those stupid glasses over my glasses and I look like a complete dweeb. 3D is the future and I’m stuck in a two-dimensional world! If I don’t buy a 3DS, I’m not a real gamer. I might as well be playing Angry Birds with those non-gamers on the train. I see how that ends…with me going bald!

False Apathy
Meh, I don’t really need a 3DS. Nintendo is all about the gimmicks and I’m really not going to be falling for it again. They’ll probably release twelve more iterations of it so I’m going to check back when they released the 3DSiXXLomega. Until then, I’m good with my DSi. Who even has time to game? I don’t need a new console. I think I’m growing out of the hobby. I was thinking of getting into the vinyl scene.

Bargaining
Ok, maybe I do need a 3DS. I got it – if I can finish three games then I will think about picking up the handheld. They have to be three games I’m pretty far into though…unless I should restart them since I sort of forgot the storyline of Valkyria Chronicles II. As for the whole “paying” thing, I’ll bring lunch to work instead of buying it and as soon as I save enough money I’ll be set. I will not be taking money out of my savings to buy this. I’m going to take the high road. This will be a test to see if I can truly control my addiction. Yeah, no Intervention episode for this guy!

The Backpeddle
Whoa, what the hell am I thinking? Dropping $179.99 on a 3DS is just out of the question. Maybe if it were a hundred bucks cheaper and could do my laundry I would be able to justify this purchase. I could be using this money to pay bills, eat food, buy a new hat, or invest in a new Internet start-up. I have an entire stack of games I still haven’t finished and if I think that adding an entire new console’s worth to the stack is a bright idea, I’ve clearly lost my mind. I’m going to forget all about this and play some Saints Row 3. Sorry, 3DS, you’re one console I’m going to be skipping over.

Collapse of Will
Oh, Theatrhythm is coming out this summer? Kingdom Hearts DDD is as well? I’m going to need a 3DS now. Plus you only live once and it’s not like I would actually spend that money on something else. Start the car, Alfred, we’re going to the bank! By bank I mean shoebox under my bed and by Alfred I mean that personable homeless chap that lives in my closet. He smells like my junior high science teacher.

The Purchase
You know how smart I am? I hit up GameStop while they were offering $60 in trade-in credit when you turned in a DSi in exchange for a BACKWARDS COMPATIBLE 3DS. Now it’s only going to cost me $110. Oh, and Best Buy was offering a buy two get one free deal on 3DS game. Yep, I got me some Zelda, Resident Evil, and Kid Icarus for $80. Just over $200 with tax for a new console? I am pretty much the most awesome owner of a 3DS in the entire county. Plus this really pretty girl works at GameStop. Wise choice, game retailer. I’m immune, but still, wise choice.

Euphoria
I thought Ocarina of Time was epic back in the 90s but this 3D thing has pushed it to new heights. It’s like I’m fighting alongside Link, taking down Ganon together. I’m the fourth piece of the triforce. Kid Icarus has taught me to love again. And Resident Evil: Revelations, more like Resident Evil: Revolawesome! Plus all this extra stuff, Swap Note, Mii visits, videos, updates, demos. I’m never turning this thing off, I don’t want to miss anything!

Cracks in the Foundation
My eyes feel really funny. How come when I look at my computer screen it has the same depth thing that my 3DS has? I’ve been going through way more headache medicine than normal, this probably doesn’t have anything to do with – seriously, my eyes won’t refocus! Also, how come I only get ten stupid coins a day? I walk four bloody miles. That should be enough steps to fill a virtual piggy bank with Nintendo coins. And forget using the 3D functionality on the train when trying to actually aim in a game. My head is hurting again.

Acceptance
I am really enjoying this console. I downloaded Link’s Awakening and Pushmo, I love when I get new notifications. Sure, the 3D gets a bit wonky and I might be going blind, but it’s another great addition to my console stable. If only the library of games was a bit more robust. That should change soon. All in all, I think everything is going to be OK.

Persona 4 Golden Hits the Vita in October. You Don’t Own a Vita.
Fuck.