Culture

Monday Afternoon Roundtable: Do-overs

star wars

This week, the Heave staff was asked:

If you had the power to remake any piece of art (movie, album, whatever) and have your version be the only one in existence, what would it be and why?

Joe Anderson

I’d remake Breaking Bad and change it so Walter White walks around on stilts the whole time. I think it would add another layer to his character.

Adam Cowden

I’m sure this is the obvious choice, but Star Wars Episodes I-III. I think the why is fairly obvious — George Lucas completely misjudged what fans of the first three movies loved, and downplayed the dogfights, droids, and badass, believable characters while championing the political/philosophical overtones that played a minor role in the original trilogy. Unlike most, I’m actually holding out hope that Disney can revive the franchise.

Frank Macarthy

If I had the opportunity to remake any piece of art, I would remake Breaking Bad. I wanted to wait until the final episode aired in order to articulate my response. If I was to re-imagine this series, I wouldn’t change a thing. I know I’m breaking the rules, but with the understanding that my version “would be the only one in existence,” I would be making sure that it remains an untouched, unedited, and original series. Most remakes suck anyways.

Johnny Coconate

I’d like to remake Warner Brothers’ soon to be craptastic Batman/Superman and Justice League movies. Prove me wrong, Warner — oh, just forget it.

Amy Dittmeier

I have this odd soft spot for the Constantine movie, starring Keanu Reeves. I feel like the majority of that feeling is leftover emotions from my massive crush on Reeves during middle school, and my overall love for the Hellblazer comic series. However, the movie is not good. There are a lot of things wrong with it even by comic book movie standards, namely the fact that they made John Constantine a brunette American instead of a blonde Englishman. If they could redo it and just use one English man, I would be happy.

Also spoilers — they are kind of redoing the Constantine movie, but are instead making it a TV show and are basing it off of the newly penned Constantine DC series instead of the original Vertigo one. We’ll see how that goes; for me, it’s not Constantine unless he can drop all the F-and-C-bombs he wants.

Dominick Suzanne-Mayer

For me, it’s always going to be Red State from here on in. As a young film geek, like so many before me, I was obsessed with the work of Kevin Smith for a long, long time. This was a man who wrote screenplays about people like my friends and I, who knew how we talked and the things that worried us. I’ll always go to bat for a majority of Smith’s work even at present, but his last few films have, to say the very least, been lacking. The reason I find Red State so egregiously in error is mostly due to the absolute necessity for a truly primal, horrifying film about the Westboro Baptist Church. That gaggle of some of the worst human beings currently living is ripe for proper cinematic treatment, but slasher tropes, shoehorned Smith banter and an ending that’s more or less one gigantic wanking motion is hardly the way to go. I’d keep Michael Parks, burn the rest down and make the film a lot more realistic and a hell of a lot more frightening.