Culture

Bit Slap: Choc-rocking kings of Final Fantasy

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This Fourth of July I eschewed the traditional American custom of blowing up aliens and instead spent the day playing Theatrhythm Final Fantasy with a two-hour break to watch Channing Tatum impress me with his acting (seriously!) and dancing talents in Magic Mike. Maybe it’s because my brain is hardwired to think in terms of gaming but I couldn’t help but contemplate would happen if Square Enix decided to combine their long running cash cow series with the tale of a Tampa-based man who, through the befriending of a naive but troubled college dropout, must learn when it’s time to grow up and what dreams are ones you cannot give up on. Or, for those of you who just saw the trailer, a flick about man-candy. So, ladies and gentlemen, please pull up a chair, grab a drink, keep your arms at your sides at all times while I introduce the Choc-Rocking Kings of Final Fantasy (movie reference!).

Vaan as The New Kid
Vaan steps into the role of the new guy at the club, much as Alex Pettyfer’s character does in the film. I don’t want to give away the journey Pettyfer takes, but let’s just say by the end of the cross-over movie, Balthier won’t look at Vaan the same way again. Thief from Rabanastre with dreams of being a sky pirate while being forced to take on a supporting role in your game? Kiss that life goodbye, Vaan, you’re about to become front and center, and it’s not all moogles and sunshine.

Seifer Almasy as The Dreamer
Did you know Seifer had a dream? If you’ve played Final Fantasy VIII you may have heard him state it to Squall’s crew one or fifty times. Guess what, so did the titular character of Magic Mike. While the dreams these two men have are quite different, they both make some rather large mistakes when it comes to their pursuit. Seifer has a good heart though and I’d be eager to see him introduce Vaan into the world of male stripping…in a completely hetero way. Seriously, Magic Mike was all about the hetero dudes. The gayest thing about the film was the dude sitting in front of me with his six female friends. Young gays, bless their hearts.

Sabin Figaro as The Muscle Man
I use the term Muscle Man to describe the role Sabin will play in the crossover because this is a family website. If you’ve seen Magic Mike, you know that Joe Manganiello’s character has one defining characteristic. Let’s just say this heir to the Figaro throne would make his brother jealous with the family jewels he has packed away. Plus those wrestling moves he knows will fit superbly into his act.

Kimahri Ronso as The Man’s Man
The men of Magic Mike’s fictional club, Xquisite, seemed designed to fulfill a wide range of fantasies of the female clientele. This extended to the character of Tarzan as portrayed by former wrestler, Kevin Nash. Not everyone woman (or man) wants a smooth pretty-boy, which is where Kimahri comes in. Sure, he has a bit more than fur on his chest, but he’ll drive the customers wild when he spins his lance.

Kain Highwind as The Bad Boy
Blah blah Sephiroth blah blah. The real bad boy of the Final Fantasy series is Kain Highwind. He’ll stab you in the back and claim it was due to mind control, but you’ll never really trust him. It’s that sort of danger that will make him a staple of the club. Maybe he’ll remove his helmet to show you those blonde locks he keeps hidden away, or maybe he’ll kidnap you and toss you into a deathtrap. I’m good with either alternative.

Rygdea as The Silent Scene Stealer
Did you know Matt Bomer of TV’s White Collar and Adam Rodriguez of CSI: Miami are both in Magic Mike? Did you know their combined lines are about the same length as the intro to this article? While they may not talk, they sure do make an impression, much like Rygdea of Final Fantasy XIII. You may not know much about Cid Raines’ right-hand man, but I guarantee you won’t forget that wisp of hair that falls over his eye when he’s dancing to a remix of Leona Lewis’ “My Hands.”

Cid Highwind as The Club Owner
What is Cid to do after seeing space and helping save the world three times (I’m looking at you, Advent Children and Dirge of Cerberus)? Open up a club of the hottest male dancers this side of the Veldt. The rocket jokes write themselves for our surly club owner. Hell, if you need someone to voice him you could just go straight to the McConaughey. Cid is someone who can play the dual role as a shady businessman and if he needs to hit the stage he’ll get it done without dropping the cigarette from his mouth.

Anyone else notice how Dragoon heavy this list got? I think that might be a personal bias.