B*tch, I’m Miley Cyrus: If you don’t like David Guetta, you must like kicking puppies


David Guetta, or as I like to call him now Choit Floue, has two songs in the Billboard Top 30 this week – his newest tune, “Turn Me On” featuring Harajuku Barbie Rap Bitch Nightmare herself Nicki Minaj, and the long standing club banger “Without You” featuring So Silky Smooth Usher Raymond.  This may not be a something enjoyed by those who consider themselves tasteful, but this is a victory for the drunk and optimistic.  I count myself among the latter, so please raise your doesn’t-taste-like-vodka vodka drink.  I love this musical fact because Choit Floue might be the most upbeat human being I have ever seen or heard.  Have you seen this man, have you heard his music?  It’s like a good drug without the risk of addiction or the loss of brain cells and/or teeth.  When listening to it, you feel as if you are on a Technicolor trampoline of wonderment. The beats carry you across the floor and possibly to bed as they are like the Valkyries of energetic sexy times.  My personal favorites are the spacey Princess Ri Ri starring “Who’s That Chick,” and the vastly under appreciated Kelly Rowland’s turn on “When Love Takes Over” that pulses in a way unlike and beyond so many standard DJ-meets-singer tracks.

Now many don’t feel as much love for this as I do.  In fact some find his personality and music cloying, lacking substance, and peddling to the lowest most intoxicated denominator.  Point taken.  I counter by believing these people have ice in their hearts.  I say these people are the saddest of people, and if my beloved editor Dominick Mayer was not one of the people who dislikes this exuberant and mystical Frenchman, I would say these people do not deserve love.  As the A-List Queen I am pretending to be right now would say too, I’m sorry I’m not sorry.

I want you, reader, to know that I understand this DJ turned pop-magnate might not be the most critically lauded and I might not be a musical genius, but I love it nonetheless.   I know you will rarely hear lyrics having to do with things other than love, dance, beat, you, or some sort of metaphor for being turned on in Guetta’s songs – but is it wrong to, from time to time, pine for such simplicity?  There comes a point when I want to go beyond depth and into escapism, and when the beat is so good and the passion is obviously there, I can’t help but enjoy.  With acts like LMFAO or Selena Gomez (yes I just said Selena Gomez), I can’t seem to get past their obvious gloss and marketing-to-make-me-like-you sound.  You can feel Guetta’s love for his music.  Even as he climbs the US charts he seems to be retaining the feel of early work.  He believes in it so much and wants the Electronic Dance Music scene to encompass the globe and be used for love.  How can that not be admired?

Again, I understand he suffers from a lack of seriousness or depth, I accept this.  Could you imagine a serious song from a man whose arms are in a near constant state of Muppet flail to a beat? Yet, I don’t know if I would want him to go anywhere deeper than a blanket statement of “one love” set to the most over-exaggerated beat.  Maybe he will expand beyond these things, but for right now, his catchiness and his joy are holding me.  Right now I don’t want anything more than bevy of pop princesses lining up to produce the most ass-shakingly synth saturated songs.  I just want to frolic to the sounds of this Choit Floue.