To whom it may concern at Dimension Films,
Salutations. My name is Dominick Mayer, and I have a grievance to air. Recently, I was made to understand that your upcoming Piranha 3DD has been indefinitely pushed back to sometime in 2012. “Indefinitely” was not the gentlest term you could have chosen to notify me, and the larger filmgoing public, that a triumph of digital effects and logic-defying mammaries was to be put off until an undetermined time, as though it were some common Martin Lawrence film, or an Underworld sequel. Methinks the expression of regret, or at least a modicum of contrition, would have been more appropriate.
After all, and excuse my expression, but you’ve made a fine mess of Thanksgiving weekend. After partaking in a well-appointed spread of turkey, bacon and alcohol, I planned to rouse myself from a tryptophan-induced stupor by the side of nubile coeds and Gary Busey battling violent, man-eating fish in the third dimension. What now of my noblest work? Shall I rent Alexandre Aja’s original film and simply wear one of my dozen pairs of 3D glasses nicked from my local theater, while sitting on my couch merely imagining those fish are eating Jerry O’Connell’s penis right in front of me? Nae!
There wasn’t a better time to release Piranha 3DD, either. The summer date, which you already took away from it, would have also been appropriate, but think about the counterprogramming! People uninterested in The Muppets, Arthur Christmas and other family fare could behold Ving Rhames with gun legs. But alas, this is not to be. When will it drop? In the middle of February, when the competition is lighter? Perhaps this will be effective, but I cannot help but fear that this cheapens the integrity of 3DD; this is a sexual and violent film for the steamier months, and to release it in the dead of winter reduces it to the filmic equivalent of an electric blanket. This does a grave disservice to the film, and to those who so looked forward to it.
In this, you have not only likely cut down on your own profits, but on a loyal audience. We are a forgiving people, us huddled masses. We sat idly by while you fed us Scre4m. Through Apollo 18 and the collected works of Friedburg and Seltzer, we sat upon our work-weathered hands and entrusted you to not steer us down a path of vacuous mediocrity. You broke this trust, and you took Piranha 3DD away. We do not forget. We are the 14-ish percent.
The Moviegoing Public.
*Photo credited to IfItsMovies.com