In case you missed it (Get it! It’s like the name of the column! Oh, my jokes and japes are boundless!), the full-length trailer for Breaking Dawn: Part 1, the highly anticipated beginning-of-the-end of the Twilight series/saga/furious cash grab has been released. Because no internet writer is above a little bit of Twilight-induced snark, here is a rough liveblog I assembled of said trailer:
0:12: A wedding party that would do Robert Smith proud.
0:16: I’m convinced that Billy Burke’s moustache is gaining sentience as the series goes on. Also, dude, you look fucking ridiculous. Also also, if you’ve not seen Drive Angry, check it out not just for Nicolas Cage’s usual stylings but also for Burke doing his best Michael C. Hall impression.
0:28: For an entire movie built around a Big Wedding, they’re making the institution of marriage look horrifying with all these ominous flash cuts. Marriage, like everything else in these movies, is srs business.
0:31-0:32: Okay, seriously. Time to mount that noblest of steeds, the high horse. Nobody marrying their soulmate should look that terrified. Nice message to send to the kids. Also, no soulmate should look that goblin-esque, either.
0:45: Taylor Lautner’s reign of playing romantic moments as sinisterly as possible continues. Seriously, he should have all of the restraining orders. All of them. Especially after this.
0:57: Oh yeah, sex is scary too. But at least they’re married, so at least it won’t cause her agonizing and eternal pain, right?
1:02: There could not be more onscreen white space to ensure that the sex scene teased over the past four years isn’t too sexy. 45-year-old women couldn’t handle the sizzle.
1:04: There are times when I’ll go to bat for Kristen Stewart as a more talented actress than these films have caused her to appear. (See: The criminally underappreciated Adventureland.) Her post-coital face here is not one of those times. She looks a mixture of bemused and queasy.
1:12: Surely, though, these carefree times of tentative sex cannot last forever…
1:19: …and they shall not, because Bella’s knocked up. Remember, girls: If you have sex with a guy who’s put you through the gauntlet of emotional abuse, get ready to have his baby nearly kill you too!
1:22: I want a .gif of Edward’s panicked oh-fuck-Imma-have-a-kid face. Anyone wanna make this happen?
1:33: “You did this.” This is funny not only because a guy not involved in the marriage is losing his shit about a pregnancy, but because Lautner delivers the line like he’s only discovered the concept.
1:43: Pregnancy = heresy to natives, if you’re keeping score at home in your “Reasons you should never have sex ever” game. Also, seriously. Lautner has one speed, and that speed is violently simmering. I cannot wait for Abduction.
(Note: I’m excluding all the random nature shots in this trailer, and there are so very many of them.)
1:47: Fun with medicore CGI! In the interest of fairness, it has improved since New Moon. At least here it looks like an effort was made.
1:53: “You’ve given me no choice!” Edward was DTF, and fuck you for not restraining him! Every one of these scenes is funnier if you picture Bill Murray in The Life Aquatic drolly retorting with “Well…you’re pregnant” after each line.
1:58: The lengths Stephenie Meyer went to in keeping Jacob part of the story long after his point of relevance waned are almost impressive. As it stands, we settle for “overcooked.”
2:02: Aww yeah Michael Sheen. Between this and Tron: Legacy, Sheen is enjoying a nice side gig of late as the version of Christopher Walken that appears in movies, gnaws on scenery and disappears just as quickly as he arrived.
2:15: Okay, Edward. You only had to move like three feet. No need to do your speed-slide thing for that. This isn’t Bulletstorm.
2:22: That’s a “I’m gonna rip this baby out with my fucking teeth in part 2” face if ever I’ve seen one. And I’m out. May November 13 come quickly, and may the “hators” acknowledged in the video comments hush their fevered mouths.