Misery Loves Company: Insects That Want to Murder You

Killer Insects

Summer officially starts June 21st, and with summer comes thoughts of beaches, barbecues, ice cream trucks, and children playing in sprinklers. But with all the serene imagery one conjures up in their mind, a darker, disturbing, more realistic picture is being painted.

As everyone knows, summer brings insects. And insects are trying to kill you my friends. It would be impossible to put together a list of ALL the bugs that were trying to murder you and your children, so instead, I put together a list of the most common, yet surprising, homicidal insects.


Deathtoll: Over 200,000,000 (which is more than have died in all the wars in history)

There are over 2,000 species of fleas, that think the taste of human blood is delicious. Here’s how it goes down. You take Fido to the park and let him play with all the other little ankle biters. A tiny flea jumps from a beagle named Ralphie onto your beloved Fido (because fleas can jump crazy far). Immediately the flea lays around 50 eggs, but before those eggs hatch the flea passes on a virus to your dog, through a bite. That virus mutates inside Fido’s body. Fido passes that virus to you while you share ice cream, and boom! Zombie apocalypse. Thanks a lot asshole!

Zombie Apocalypse
Fleas are only biding their time, waiting for the perfect opportunity….

In all seriousness, fleas have a long and rich history as disease carriers. Ever heard of the Bubonic Plague? You may have thought the Plaque was caused by rats, but it was actually caused by the fleas the rats carried. The fleas had a bacteria that caused the bubos (lumps) from which we get the name Bubonic Plague.

Once a flea infested rat died, the fleas would seek the next warm blood filled body. You guessed it…humans. The bacteria would enter the human’s bloodstream, and within a week, the human would die, and the next generation of infected fleas would seek another warm body.

Think the Bubonic Plague is a thing of the past and you needn’t worry? Think again. Every year a few cases of Bubonic Plague are recorded in the United States, mostly in the Southwest. This, my friends, is why you don’t mess with Texas.

No matter where you move your head, its eyes follow you.

Deathtoll: Over 2 million people each year

It is reported that the mosquito is the most dangerous animal on the entire planet, as it is responsible for the most human deaths per year. It is reported the 2-3 million people are killed by mosquitoes each year! That means that 1 in 3500 people will die as a result of a mosquito bite EVERY YEAR!

To date, about 300 species of mosquitoes have been discovered, and at least 150 of these live in North America. Species of mosquito transmit western equine encephalitis, St. Louis encephalitis, filarial worms, yellow fever, dengue fever, eastern encephalitis and malaria. Malaria by itself infects over 300 million people every year.

This person will probably be dead by morning.

Next time you hear that annoying buzzing sound and feel the slight sting of this ravenous blood sucker, know that you could very well be on your way to meet your maker. If you do survive, however, rejoice in the fact that you stared death in the face and lived to tell about it. For Christ’s sake, you could go on “Good Morning America” and tell your story!

They are coming for you!

Deathtoll: No reported human deaths, but they are still creepy as hell!

Follicle mites of humans live in hair follicles or sebaceous glands of the face. As if old people weren’t creepy enough, the elderly have a high incidence of hosting mites…ON THEIR FACE! In addition to completely disgusting old people, mites are suspected as a cause of acne in young people, by introducing bacteria into the follicles.

Scabies is the result from an itch mite infestation. After a quick roll in the hay, the females burrow tunnels into your skin and lays eggs that incubate for about 2 months. Then the eggs hatch and make their way back to the top of your skin. All this digging and pooping will make you extremely itchy and gross. This isn’t going to kill you, but it will definitely get people to avoid you. By the way, if you don’t avoid contact with someone who has a mite infestation, you can pretty much bank on getting infected yourself. Enjoy!

Deathtoll: Nearly 1 million people per year

Yes friends, flies cause (either directly or indirectly) a million human deaths each year. In the Northern regions of the US, the little flies can reach such incredibly large numbers that they can be inhaled when breathing. causing severe allergic reactions, swelling and blocking off the airway, and causing anaphylactic shock resulting in suffocation and death.

As the housefly shuttles between piles of shit and your dinner plate, you could imagine they carry a host of diseases. Here are few: Typhoid, Cholera, Gangrene, Tuberculosis, Gonorrhea, Bubonic Plague, Leprosy, Diphtheria, Scarlet Fever, Amoebic Dysentery, and Poliomyelitis. I’m not sure what’s on your bucket list, but I’m pretty sure those are all of the diseases you DON’T want to get.

Flies on a butt.
Flies will go from this ladies ass right to your eyeball!

In upping the gross factor, some flies love landing on eyeballs. In fact, because they are plotting to kill you, they love flying from someone’s gross diseased eyeball to your perfectly healthy eyeball. This is how they transfer microbes of Pink Eye, Conjunctivitis, and Trachoma, essentially keeping you from ever reaching 2nd base.

Others spread Yaws, a skin disease, when they feed on your cuts and sores. Just thought I’d throw that in there in case you haven’t hurled yet.

This is the point in the article where I give you some tidbit of wisdom to help you put your fear of bugs in perspective. Sorry, I got nothing. You’re pretty much fucked. Enjoy your summer!

  • Wanda Clark

    See, I always told everyone they (all bugs and spiders) were going to kill me!!  LOL. Thank your dad so much for having you share this with me, butthole that he is!