Culture

Misery Loves Company: The Class A Jerkoff Commuter

OMG!  What are these lines on the road for?

Anyone who has ever had to commute during rush hour in a major city has learned the same thing I have. There is no hope for humanity. Honestly, if we can’t figure out how to “coexist” long enough to line up our automobiles single file, at a pre-determined speed, while driving to the exact same location every day, we are seriously fucked.

Most people give themselves plenty of time, and plan ahead for their commute to work. But this article isn’t about most people. I’m giving a special shout out to the knuckle dragging, chest pounding, Neanderthals who would happily run over a baby stroller to shave 5 seconds off of their commute. I’m talking about the total morons who have their heads shoved so far up their own asses that they send us all into their downward spiral of 9am gridlock. These assholes of the open road fit into 8 different categories.

The Right Side Passer
Listens to: DJ Valium-“Everybody Move Your Body”

Seeing someone pass on the shoulder makes me wish my car had lasers.
Seeing someone pass on the shoulder makes me wish my car had lasers.

The right side passer, is motivated by sheer idiocy. They may not mean to be an asshole on purpose, but they are so incredibly stupid they just can’t help it. This is the driver who ultimately decides that you are going too slowly to follow, even if you are clocking 10-20mph over the speed limit. They stomp the gas and pass you on the right hand side. Most of the time the right hand passer has to venture into the shoulder while making sure they hit every pothole in the road. Its eyes on the prize for this asshole. They will destroy their car, hit a pedestrian, or do whatever it takes to get in front of you…only to ultimately cut you off and put on their brakes.

The Overly Cautious Driver
Listens to: Trammell Starks-“Light Jazz Tonight (Local Forecast Music Disk 2)”

Holy shit! This old bitch is going to kill us all!
Holy shit! This old bitch is going to kill us all!

Usually, the overly cautious driver is about 90 years old. They drive around 10 mph under the speed limit, and stop at light as soon as it turns yellow. They may even put on their turn signal 4 streets before they actually intend to turn. Generally, when I find myself stuck behind an overly cautious driver I begin to miss the philanthropy of Dr. Jack Kavorkian. Honestly, if driving 35mph is so risky you may have a heart attack or ruin your Depends undergarment, euthanasia may not be a bad idea. Just saying.

The Soccer Mom or Business Guy Who are Way to Engrossed in Their Cell Phone Call
Listens to: Dave Matthews Band-“Crash Into Me”

Wait for it...
Wait for it…

I’m not even going to do a description here. We all know these people. Probably, you or a loved one has been side swiped by this cell phone talking douche. I’m just going to ask, why in all that is holy do you not just spend the $10-$15 to get a shitty blue tooth ear piece? I don’t think there is a cell phone made that doesn’t have blue tooth technology built into it, and if you currently own the only one that doesn’t, trade that fucker in and get a cell phone that was made after the Y2K scare. They’re all compliant, I promise.

The 1 Second After the Light Turns Green Honker
Listens to: Slipknot-“Psychosocial”

In Fozzie's defense, Kermit won't shut the fuck up about how hard it is to be green.
In Fozzie’s defense, Kermit won’t shut the fuck up about how hard it is to be green.

Just thinking about this asshole is pissing me off so bad my eye is starting to twitch. I mean, I get honking when someone isn’t paying attention. If I start daydreaming, and the light has turned green, by all means give me a polite little courtesy honk (usually 2 short little toots of the horn). However, this class A jerkoff, doesn’t know the real intention of their horn. They believe that laying on their horn, somehow gives them magical powers to turbo boost a car down the street. Did I already mention, I’m a fan of euthanasia?

The Completely Lost Driver
Listens to: Kenny Chesney-“Somewhere with You” (although they turn off the radio as soon as they feel they are getting “close” to their destination, because god forbid they have any external stimuli)

This guy obviously has no clue where he is going.
This guy obviously has no clue where he is going.

The completely lost driver isn’t an asshole by definition. No, this type of driver is an asshole for allowing their brain to completely shut off to the outside world while they are trying to find the right street to turn down. My god, I can’t stand these people. They will put their signal on and slow down for every street they come to, and just when you start to pass them, they stomp on the gas and zip up to the next street. Usually, they are miles from their actual turn, so this little game of cat and mouse goes on until your head explodes.

The Dick Who Rides Your Ass
Listens to: Eminem-“Not Afraid”

If you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair.
If you’re going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair.

So you’re zipping down the expressway. Suddenly you see two little balls of light in the distance. Within a millisecond you have two blazing balls of light with the intensity of 1000 white hot suns blinding you from every reflective surface in your car. You my friend have just fallen victim to the dick who rides your ass, and they do it like it’s their job. This prick doesn’t care how many open lanes there are. He wants your lane, and he isn’t going to give up until he pushes your car out of the way. Usually, this is an SUV, and certainly they are compensating for a tiny penis.

The Asswipe That Refuses to Let You Merge
Listens to: Kim Kardashian-“Jam (Turn it Up)

Look how much further being an inconsiderate prick got you.
Look how much further being an inconsiderate prick got you.

Fuck this guy. Fuck him. Fuck his fucking asshole.

The Cab Driver
Listens to: Foreigner-“Cold as Ice”

Fact: Cabbies even hate each other.
Fact: Cabbies even hate each other.

The cabbie is the only driver in the world who will drive behind you doing 90mph, lay on the horn because you are only doing 10mph over speed limit, cut you off, honk again, slam on the brakes, block traffic, give you the finger, and tell you to go fuck a donkey in seven different languages. It is rumored that cab drivers are made in a lab by inseminating Barbara Streisand’s 1000 year old ovum with the semen of every ruthless dictator of the 20th century.

So friends, there you have it. We will never get out of this great experiment without killing each other. Not when we have assholes like these that will ruin it for the rest of us. But hey, if you like smelling bum piss and sitting in period stains, you can take public transport.

  • Louzlounge

    It would be better if we all drove electric cars. It would be quieter, less smog, and we’d all feel better about ourselves and our fellow humans-until we realize that electricity requires nuke plants churning nuke waste with no real solution to dispose of it, and all nuke plants are old but allowed to produce 120% of what they were designed to when they were new-AHHHHH! MELT DOWN!

  • Eezra

    That is very good and I don’t want to take anything away from your very comprehensive list but i think that you forgot one: the total dickweed with a Barney Fife complex who thinks its their job to police everyone else on the road by blocking lanes shortly before a lane closure. These are usually semi drivers but can be in any type of vehicle. If they would get off their power trip long enough for their brains to work they would realize that they are only contributing to an already long traffic jam.

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