Culture

Heave explains professional wrestling .GIFs: #1

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Welcome to the first in an occasional series here at Heave, in which our pro wrestling columnists (Dominick Mayer and Trent Zuberi) occasionally explain nonsensical wrestling .gifs they find in context and primarily add ever more nonsense to the mix. This week: a booty-dancing CM Punk, fetal evasive manuevers and more.

Trent: I totally learned this playing DDR at Emporium.

Dominick: Best In The World, whether it’s at wrestling or at out-twerking Miley Cyrus. Is that what twerking is? I don’t even know anymore.

Trent: This is what Steely Dan meant by “Pretzel Logic.”

Dominick: Just remember the next time that somebody calls pro wrestling nonsense, that Bryan Danielson (now Daniel Bryan, because WWE) is one of the best wrestlers currently living, was once known as the American Dragon, used to enter the ring to “The Final Countdown” and could break your goddamn skull 15 different ways before you even touched the ground.

Trent: Keep calm and break your fucking neck.

Dominick: Yoshihiko’s Canadian Destroyer is real, but its love is not.

Trent: “Yum, elbows!”

Dominick: Oh no, a 500-pound man’s immovable body! It’s Sheamus’ only weakness!

Trent: “I declare this kick to the head revenge for all those annoying little bastards that bother me when I’m shopping at Target on a Saturday!”

Dominick: I’m trying to work out whether this man’s semi-orgasmic spasm came before or after he Shining Wizarded a child. I’m also trying to work out which of those scenarios is worse.

Trent: “Jeffrey! We never talk anymore! Who ARE you!?”

Dominick: TNA, in an attempt to present a more culturally sensitive product, asked one of their biggest stars to pay tribute to Kabuki theatre. That he did not know what this was hardly prevented him from trying.

Trent: “Soooo you want our new entrance theme to be a Nicki Minaj song?”

Dominick: “Wait, Little People’s Court isn’t an actual place? But we were there! We saw it!”

Dominick: In which Kurt Angle, the closest humanity has come to Robocop to date, remembers that he’s supposed to be portraying a human being who can still register pain.

(Got a good .gif that you’d like to see us approach? Send it on to dsuzannemayer@gmail.com.)