This week, the Heave staff was asked:
You’re given the chance to pick up one talent you don’t currently have. What do you take, and why?
I always wished I knew how to play the cello or violin. Something about those instruments really interests me, and it’s something I always wish I had the time to learn or work on.
The ability to play guitar. I’ve tried to learn once or twice, but apparently people haven’t realized that there are too many strings for the number of fingers that most humans have. I feel like someone should have picked up on that by now.
Computer hacking, because it makes you a modern-day Jedi.
Auto-fellatio. You know why.
I would like to read kanji in Japanese. Even Japanese people have trouble understanding these, so it would be an awesome talent to possess while learning the language.
I’d like the ability to feel apathy toward certain subjects I can’t control, because world domination seems like a real bitch and I don’t want to go through that.
I just wanna be Beyonce, man. That’s a skill I’ll never have.
The ability to draw. As a kid I’d always imagine escaping the misery of elementary school life by drawing the elaborate worlds I saw in my imagination, but then I’d set pencil to paper and realize that I struggle with basic stick figures or geometric shapes. So I just started reading pro wrestling trade magazines in class instead.