Rambling Dispatches: Globes in review


Every week in Rambling Dispatches, resident malcontent Quinn McGee rants about whatever he damn well pleases.

The Golden Globes happened this past weekend. So that happened. If you follow me on Titter, you’ll have seen that I was watching it and ranting about the whole affair. For the most part, it was entertaining, but I think it was entertaining for all the wrong reasons. Let’s be real here: anyone can look up the damn award winners online and not waste the time on the show if they are really there for the awards. But like most things, we need humor or sex or both to remain interested in what we are watching.  Being as this show was entirely not about the awards for me, I thought I would share some of the things I thought humorous or interesting throughout.

1) So of the acceptance speeches I saw, I got the largest rise out of the acceptance speech from Jennifer Lawrence. Now, I love Jennifer Lawrence, because she is one of the nicer celebrities and also super attractive. When she won her award for Best Actress in a Motion Picture Comedy or Musical for Silver Linings Playbook (for some reason it wasn’t for The Hunger Games), she made a little comment at the beginning of her speech, saying that the Golden Globe said “I Beat Meryl” on it. Not surprisingly, it was met with a little bit of hesitant applause.

I couldn’t believe she said that in the first place. It was Meryl Streep she beat out, a goddamn legend.So I thought that Lawrence was going to get beat up, and I almost wanted it to happen. That fight would be amazing.  But in the aftermath of this speech, it appears that the “joke” was taken out of context. She later said on the Letterman show that the Golden Globe joke was in reference to a line in the movie The First Wives Club where Bette Midler looks at a Globe and says that “it says I beat Meryl.” The movie was released in the 90s, so was it really so obscure that the rest of us didn’t get the reference to some movie released when Lawrence wasn’t even a teenager? I don’t think so. Besides, Meryl was the goddamn Iron Lady, remember? Ms. Lawrence could be in danger if Streep didn’t get the joke.

2) Another great thing that happened was the fall of Sacha Baron Cohen, when he was presenting the award for Best Animated Feature Film. It was when the rest of the world should have joined me on the boat where we all understand that Sacha Baron Cohen has not been funny since Borat. I was talking to our fearless editor Dominick when it all happened, and he asked me when Cohen stopped being funny. For those who need a reminder of just what happened: he came onstage with a glass of alcohol and an exaggerated British accent and began to berate people much more talented than himself. He threw shade at Daniel Day Lewis, Hugh Jackman and Helena Botham Carter in the span of a minute.

He finished with a callout of Anne Hathaway’s indecent exposure in the media not too long ago, where she flashed her naughty bits as she was getting out of a car. Did I mention this was all before he presented the award for a largely child-friendly category? I know I should expect this kind of bullshit from him because he was never really funny, and I think we should launch a search and rescue of poor Isla Fisher, who has to be married to him in what’s probably a bet she lost. Baron Cohen helped, in around two horrible minutes, to prove me correct that he is a really unfunny bastard not deserving of the praise he often gets.

3) The final thing I loved was a few of the cuts to the stars in the crowd when people were winning and presenting. I swear that the Golden Globe Mission Control has the show lined up to catch a few unlucky celebrities in their most unflattering moments. There were three that caught my attention, and the first comes from one of my favorite things to talk about: Taylor Swift. She drew quite a lot of flack on Twitter when she had a rather pissy look on her face when she lost the award for Best Original Song to Adele, a happening that surprised no one except Taylor Swift.

That was understandable, but there was no explaining Mel Gibson, who had no business being at the awards at all. I think he knew that he didn’t belong there because whenever the camera went over to him, he looked lost as hell. I wonder how Jodie Foster felt about that as the friend who brought him, since all of the stupid looks on his face occurred during her acceptance/coming out of the closet speech. And my favorite face of the whole night belonged to Tommy Lee Jones, who looked visibly annoyed to be at the event that honored a movie that he was in. I have never seen a grumpier old man in my life. He put Clint Eastwood to shame, and if that man is not a meme yet, I will be very disappointed in you, internet.