Year’s Over: The Year in Rants


Every year, we at HEAVEmedia like to look back on what we’ve learned, what we’ve accomplished and marvel like the elderly at the rapid passage of time. Over the next few weeks, our Year’s Over series will bring you our staff’s essential lists of what you should’ve seen, heard, read and done in 2012. Today, Johnny has things to say, like opinions and what-not, and figured a list was the way to go.

I’m not a big list-maker. I don’t like the idea of ranking shit because it just seems like a big waste of time, which is why I always do it whenever I should be doing something else. I hate myself for it, but then again, I like my dedication to procrastination. Anyway, here’s a randomly put-together list in no particular order about stuff from 2012. The parts you like are my opinion, the parts you hate were written by hackers. They tend to do that. As always, viewer discretion is advised.

1) The Dark Knight Trilogy: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Christopher Nolan’s Batman films are the best superhero films ever made. If you say The Avengers, then stop reading now, because I’m about to insult you: you’re a fucking dumbass. Yeah, there were flaws with Rises, but it was still memorable. Oh, and in answer to the question regarding how Bruce Wayne got back to Gotham City: if you didn’t know, he’s the Goddamn Batman! If you think that isn’t a good answer, then you don’t know what Batman is capable of. (Hint: it’s everything.) Why are so many people curious how Bane eats? I’ve never heard anybody ask how Darth Vader eats, so why the nitpicky bullshit with Bane? One of my biggest problems with the movie was Batman’s early retirement.

He retires for eight years right after “killing” Harvey Dent. He obviously stops his training, because he begins walking with a cane, but that could be because of his fall with Harvey. So he lets his body go, but then who builds the Bat-Cave? There’s a new elevator and platforms that rise up out of the ground, where he keeps his suit and Bat-Computer. Where the fuck did he get that? I’m looking and I can’t find it anywhere, nor can I find someone to build it for me and install it. If he retired, then why would he have that built? Was he sulking away down in the Bat-Cave for eight years surfing the web? And what about the new weapons he uses: EMP gun, a universal switch that can shut off all the lights and what I imagine to be firecrackers that he throws at Bane. Where does he get this shit?

Was Lucius Fox just sending him this stuff even after he retired? And since we’re on the subject of gadgets, why the fuck didn’t he just shoot his grappling hook at Bane’s face and rip the mask off? Or thrown a Batarang at it? The Batman and Bane fight scenes were a mix of good and bad chorography; it was all kinds of bad boxing. Also, Bruce Wayne can never retire, because as Ra’s al Ghul put it in Batman Begins, “The world is too small for someone like Bruce Wayne to disappear.” You know what that means: aww yeah another movie. Maybe. After all, Peter Jackson didn’t initially want to direct The Hobbit, but he caved. Maybe Nolan will too. We’ll just have to wait eight years to find out.

2) Fuck off, NBC: For firing Dan Harmon and delaying the premiere of Community. We get it, you hate the show. Cancel it already, stop teasing it with death. You refuse to show Community, but you’ll show…well, there are actually too many shitty shows on your network now to the point where I can’t pick just one. Good job becoming the new fourth-place TV network for a new generation who won’t watch you.

3) Parks and Recreation: Funniest show on TV. Might already be funnier than The Office ever was. Is leaps and bounds better than 30 Rock. And yet, Jon Cryer has more Emmys than the show and the cast combined. That sentence might have given me cancer. This is why bad things happen, people. I like Modern Family too, but Parks and Rec deserves way more love. And it’s on NBC, go figure.

4) The Avengers: The biggest disappointment with The Avengers was the invasion. What the fuck was that? That’s it? Really? New York has gotten more busted up after one of their sports teams wins a championship. All those other movies were leading up to this, and it was a limp dick. So over-fucking-blown. This is why people don’t like Joss Whedon fans; you over-blow shit. That’s why Firefly failed. You came out of the woodwork for this, but where were you for Serenity? You weren’t in the theater, I can tell you that much. And is it me, or does Iron Man just seem like a douche? Yet people think he’s cool. Must be the kids who went to see Ted. Douche is now an acceptable way for men to act, ladies. Good luck.

5) Saturday Night Live: Is still on TV. Now, I stopped watching like eight years ago. I didn’t find it funny at all. I watched a recent episode because I was told by lots of people that it was funny. It wasn’t. Fuck those people. I’ve injured myself and found it funnier. I’d rather be severally injured then watch SNL again. Someone needs to tell those people they aren’t funny and should find another job, or someone needs to kill everyone that worked on SNL when it was funny. Your choice, people.

6) I’d have an NBA championship ring too if I had the league mandate it. And if I sucked off the commissioner. Congrats LeBalding, you’re now a paper champion. I hope it was worth it, because in a few years they’re going to take that title away. Lance Armstrong knows all about that.

7) NHL Lockout: If there’s one thing I can count on in hockey, it’s that a lockout is always right around the corner. When there’s not a lockout, I begin to worry that I died and I’m in heaven. Hockey with no lockouts? Yeah, that sounds like heaven. But then the harsh reality of the lockout proves that I’m alive. And pissed the fuck off.

8 ) The Election: It’s nice to see rich people spend money smear campaigning other rich people. What if instead of putting money into advertisements, which I think never work unless there’s a catchy song or funny joke, why not give people money and tell them who to vote for? You know, like a bribe. That’s what they’re doing already, so let’s just cut out the middle man. Hey, it’s a better strategy then the one the GOP employed this time around. So come on, Republicans, make it rain or at least trickle down on us poor people.

9) Nerds: Batman, Spider-Man, the Avengers and The Hunger Games all made money. The Walking Dead was the most-viewed TV show of the fall. The time of nerd is upon us. We got movies and now we got TV. Hell, there’s even DC and Marvel Lego sets, not to mention The Lord of the Rings. It’s a good time to be a nerd. Now we’ll have our revenge, right? Or maybe a hoverboard?