Every year, we at HEAVEmedia like to look back on what we’ve learned, what we’ve accomplished and marvel like the elderly at the rapid passage of time. Over the next few weeks, our Year’s Over series will bring you our staff’s essential lists of what you should’ve seen, heard, read and done in 2012. Today, Calhoun tells you a bit about what he learned about adulthood this year.
2012 held a lot of ugly truths for me. Slaving over a masters thesis, moving across the country, regretting moving across the country…I mean, it was a pretty eventful year. It’s also the year that adulthood hit me (as well as two cars within my first six months in Los Angeles). I don’t care how many Salinger-esque coming-of-age stories you’ve read, nothing can prepare you for the brutality of becoming an adulthood. In a desperate attempt to lessen the blow for you, dear readers, I’ve prepared my list of life lessons learned in 2012 A.K.A. The Year of The Grown-Up.
7. All those jokes your aunt made about going to art school? She was kinda on to something.
Coming from a household where three of our six family members are doctors and the fourth is a lawyer, I knew I was making an “alternative” choice to go to art school. Still, my parents always told me, “Do what you love and the money will follow.” Well, I’ve moved around a lot this year so maybe the money just doesn’t have my forwarding address? Not too sure, but just a heads up, if you’re going to art school, you’re gonna hear a lot of jokes about being poor…and you’ll be even more depressed to find out how accurate they are.
6. Bathing suits and no-underwear do not make for acceptable underwear
Okay, maybe this one has dawned on others and I’m just a slow learner. But when you face the prospect of doing laundry at a West Hollywood Laundromat on a Saturday, you’ll understand the reluctance. The puzzling stares and judgmental glances just aren’t worth it. Bite the bullet and do your laundry.
5. If you insist on wearing no underwear, at least make sure you’ve zipped your fly
I’m not saying this has happened to me and I’m definitely not saying this has happened to me at least five times, but yeah, the childish XYZ (eXamine Your Zipper, for those who don’t speak immaturity fluently) definitely holds true when going commando.
4. No matter how honest your job interviewer tells you to be, lie your fucking ass off
I’ve made this mistake too many times. Maybe it’s because my background is in critical studies or that I’ve been writing reviews for a couple years now, but when somebody asks my honest opinion…I give it to them. Best example? Interviewing for a reader position where I was told to give honest and constructive feedback. My feedback? “I think this type of movie will sell, but this is the kind of movie I’m ashamed at people’s willingness to see.” Okay, that may have been a little harsh, but still, they wanted my opinion. They got it. Needless to say, I did not get the job.
3. You don’t bounce back as quickly
Remember the days of tequila followed by beer and a glass of wine? Then, of course, the next day was a nightmare of Lovecraft-like proportions, at least until you got some greasy diner food. Then, as if magic, you could run five miles. These days? I’m lucky if I can get from the living room couch to my bedroom. In fact, I rarely try. I just embrace the comfort of the sofa. If I can even muster up the strength to cook and/or order food, I can stomach about three bites before I wanna take a nap. I mean, lifting that spoon was, like really hard. Yeah, I definitely can’t drink like I used to.
2. Listing “Knows all the words to Three-6 Mafia’s ‘Slob on My Knob’” will not guarantee you a job
It just- it just doesn’t okay? I don’t want to get into how I know that, but just take my word for it. It really doesn’t. Most of the time it doesn’t even get you a call back. Actually, addendum to this one, you also probably shouldn’t update your resume after a night of Maker’s. I just don’t understand, Three-6 Mafia worked for me every time at high school parties…maybe that’s what Bob Dylan was talking about when he said, “The times, they are a changin’.” Probably not…but maybe.
1. You’re not special
And here we arrive at the ugly truth. My generation, myself included, has always been told that we can do anything we put our minds to and we can achieve anything. It’s simply not true. For every skill or marketable talent you have, there are countless others that have the exact same thing going for them. You can’t walk around like the world owes you something, like many people our age do. In the working world and in life in general, you’ve gotta pay your dues. Is it frustrating? God yes. Is it disheartening? Unbelievably so. It’s also life, so deal with it.