Culture

Rambling Dispatches: Snooki’s Baby

snooki

Every week in Rambling Dispatches, resident malcontent Quinn McGee vents about whatever he sees fit. This week, the disproportionate news coverage of Snooki’s baby.

If you are not bored on the train/bus/in life for over an hour at a time, then chances are you have never grabbed a copy of the Red Eye and read it. It’s the biggest free publication here in Chicago, for those who don’t live in Chicago or cover their eyes and run when they see a box that looks remotely like the box it comes in. Anyway, I think the name comes from the fact that you end up red-eyed with rage or sadness every time you crack one open. And yet I read it all the time because the train is boring as hell and I need to placate the voices in my head. (Wait. They told me to say JK about the voices.) Despite the horoscope section that tells me weekly to go on a sex spree or just violently masturbate if I am alone, and the stupid look on Matt Pais’ face every time I pass by a movie review I will never read again because “fool me once, shame on you” and all that, I always realize that the information they are “reporting” on is real. For all my salty ranting about the Red Eye, this isn’t so much about them, outside of the fact that they are the ones who have something to say about Snooki seemingly every day.

Alright, we get it. Stop with the constant stream of news about Snooki and the kid she had. I decided to look at the whole pregnancy story from the POV of someone who has never heard about Snooki but has seen her in the news every week. This person would have to be important, right, in order to warrant all of these interviews, television spots and newspaper articles? What kind of ground-breaking individual could possibly be having this child, this gift to the world? Oh, she’s a reality television personality famous for getting shitfaced, pissing in the street and taking a punch to the face.

Maybe the guy she had the kid with has to be famous for something important. Nope, he’s still currently going to school to be a gym teacher. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being a teacher, since that’s what I’m studying as well, but I can promise there won’t be film crews around when my kids are born. There’s no reason we should even care. If that doesn’t instill rage in you, there is this: she planned on having house music played in the delivery room.  You know how moms often play classical music for the child, when they are in the womb? Well, now there’s this kid being born with a guy fucking spinning beats in the corner.

This shit has been happening for months, and I know anyone reading probably wonders “Why now? Why are you now mad?” Because there are two current news items pertaining to the USA that I would argue are just a bit more important than this poor, poor child. Hurricane Isaac has arrived as the newest tropical storm to come and pound America in the nethers. It’s following the same trail as Katrina as well. I’ve barely heard about it, but I can sure tell you all about Snooki. Even when I heard about the damn storm, coverage was mostly about how it was going to affect the Republican National Convention in Florida. This should be a time where we look to see if we are actually ready to handle another crazy storm declaring “Garbage day!” and sucker shooting us when we least expect it.

The other story is the death that should be shaking America for a while, but seems to have been written off. It’s Neil Armstrong I’m talking about. Not the trumpet player, that’s Louie Armstrong. No, it isn’t the controversial cyclist who I hope gets sued to the high heavens. That’s Lance Armstrong. No, it isn’t that actor from How I Met Your Mother either; that’s Neil Patrick Harris. I have seen serious Facebook messages and Tweets with R.I.P messages for all of those people, so I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised that Snooki is hogging attention. We should be mourning the death of Neil Armstrong; he was the first guy to set foot on the goddamn moon. He is the reason we all still dream about what’s out there and have sci-fi fantasies. He did something I could never imagine. We should have a week dedicated to him, because he is an American hero and should be respected as such. I guess we can settle for a Tweet about Snooki being tired because her kid is crying, though. That seems like a good way to remember.