Duke Nukem Forever: What the Hell Happened?

duke nukem

If you are like me, life’s little let downs have come to be expected. You’ve also been waiting patiently for the arrival of Duke Nukem Forever (a.k.a. Duke Nukem Forever in Development) since 1997. Holy shit! Did I just say 1997?

Yes, DNF has been in development for 14 years, and has become the laughing stock of the gaming industry. My favorite alternate names for DNF have been, “Duke Nukem Never”, “Duke Nukem (Taking) Forever”, “Duke Nukem Whenever”, “Duke Nukem ForNever”, “Duke Nukem NeverEver”, and “Duke Nukem If Ever”. It has even won Wired magazines coveted Vaporware Lifetime Achievement Award for being a complete and utter joke.

Here’s a quick timeline to catch you up:

April 1997-3D Realms first announced the title’s development.

2001-Upon consistently announcing and then deferring release dates, 3D Realms released a press release that simply stated “hey you fucking fanboys, it will be done when it’s done”.

May 2009-3D Realms downsized for financial reasons (probably because they had spent 12 year’s developing a 1st person shooter) and fired the development team behind Duke Nukem Forever. This was after the company announced the project was in final development. Womp womp!

2009-Duke Nukem’s publishing rights owner, Take Two Interactive, sued the shit out of 3D Realms on the grounds of “come on already and finish this fucking game”.

September 2010– Gearbox Software took over the development duties of Duke Nukem Forever and confirmed a release date of May 3, 2011 in North America, with a worldwide release following on May 6, 2011

May 2011-Duke Nukem Forever’s May release date was delayed yet another month. And no one was surprised.

June 10, 2011-Duke Nukem Forever released internationally with a North American release slated for June 14. Wait what? OMG! They actually released the fucking game!

Yes folks, as of right now there are people actually playing Duke Nukem Forever. After 14 years the game has actually released to cries of “God, this game sucks!” all over the world. However, in the states you have to wait until June 14th to waste your $60.

Duke Nukem logo

14 years is an incredibly long time to wait for a video game. Here’s a quick recap of what has happened since the official announcement of Duke Nukem Forever’s development:

May 2 1997 – Tony Blair becomes Prime Minister in the United Kingdom, promises to wear tight pants.

May 14, 1998-Thankfully, Seinfeld aired its final episode.

1999-People feared the world’s technology would crash and burn with a little bug called Y2K.

January 1, 2000-Y2K proved uneventful and people who built backyard bomb shelters felt like idiots.

September 11, 2001-Terrorists attack the World Trade Centers. In response, the Midwest decorates pickup truck windows with American flags.

March 1, 2002-The U.S. invasion of Afghanistan: In eastern Afghanistan, Operation Anaconda begins. It would probably only take a few days right?

February 1, 2003-The Space Shuttle Columbia disintegrates during reentry over Texas, killing all 7 astronauts onboard, and reminding people everywhere that NASA still exists.

February 4, 2004-That nerdy kid that should’ve been played by Michael Cera founded Facebook at Cambridge, Massachusetts.

April 2, 2005– Pope John Paul II dies and answers the age old question, “is the Pope Catholic?”

October 9, 2006 – North Korea claims to have conducted its first-ever nuclear test. The world shits its collective pants.

July 21, 2007– The final Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, released. Upon reading, Harry Potter nerds finally had enough time to go get laid (and boy did we ever!).

January 21, 2008 – Stock markets around the world crash. The US is prompted to give rich people more money.

January 20, 2009-Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States of America – the first African-American ever to hold the office of U.S. Commander-in-Chief. By the way, we’re still waiting for that “change” Barack.

August 10, 2010 – The World Health Organization declares the H1N1 influenza pandemic over. The media had to find something new to scare the shit out of viewers.

March 11, 2011 – A 9.1-magnitude earthquake and subsequent tsunami hit the east of Japan, killing over 15,000 and leaving another 8,000 missing. Gilbert Gottfried fired by AFLAC for making insensitive jokes about the situation, but somehow Mother Nature squeaks by unscathed.

Thanks a lot Duke Nukem. As I waited patiently for you to arrive outside my local Best Buy, all these little milestones in the world just seemed to pass me by. So, here’s to Duke Nukem Forever! May your game play not suck half as bad as your management and promotional team!