Ups and Downs

Up: You’re sneaking up on me, Mentos, what with your shitty gum and confusing commercials: I place a lot of pride in my snap judgments; less for their accuracy and more for the way that I stick to them at all costs. If we’re meeting for the first time you have anywhere from 8-10 seconds to make a life-long impression, and keep in mind that you’re competing with my impromptu surmising of your yearly salary and the highway gas mileage of whatever car I assume you drive.* But that’s not to say that I never change my mind; I used to laugh at people who watch HGTV, and now I get cranky** if I don’t have my “House Hunters International” fix. So, it’s possible to pull the rug on me, just like Mentos did with this bewildering commercial.

The first 22 seconds or so are absolute torture, unless you love watching some hipster in white sneakers chase a cock-teasing gum theft around a library by the smell of her staggeringly fresh breath. If I were that librarian, I wouldn’t just shush these two, I would beat them both to death with the guy’s shoes.

But wait, what is going on in the last 8 seconds of this commercial!? WHAT THE HELL, MAN?? Unless I misunderstand some sort of visual cue, I think that the guy tricks the girl into thinking that he ran into a bookshelf and because of it his legs and feet have fallen off. But not to worry, just as she rounds the corner to find one half of a human body, the guy dangles down from the ceiling (presumably by his entrails) and steals a quick smooch, to which the girl responds by giggling playfully and then, I’m assuming, screaming in blind terror at the horrible thing she has wrought on the world.

I’ve got to be honest: based on the start of that commercial, I really wasn’t expecting it to end with someone’s body being severed in two. Well played, Mentos. Well played indeed.  

Down: All things Chris Berman: I’ve never known a rabid sports fan who hasn’t remarked at one point that they “should totally be on ESPN.” Everyone always thinks that their witty background banter just absolutely enhances major televised sporting events, and they are clearly more talented than whoever currently is on-air. But funny enough, this sentiment is 100% true in any single circumstance that involves ESPN’s Chris Berman, who has been with the network for a couple of decades. Here are the things I like about Berman: You can tell he genuinely loves sports and enjoys the hell out of his job, and he seems like a nice guy. Here are the things I don’t like about him: Everything else. For those who haven’t had the pleasure of a Berman broadcast, let it suffice to say that he has an annoying habit of turning people’s names into jokey catch-phrases or nick names that catach on and become popular with precisely no one.  

And Berman was in rare form after last night’s Super Bowl victory for the Saints. Sometimes I literally cannot believe the things he says, so I waited with a pen and pad of paper. And now, dear HEAVE reader, I give you a list of “Things Chris Berman said in less than four minutes of highlights on ESPN’s “NFL Primetime”: 

1) He referred to Colts running back Joseph Addai as “Live and Let” Addai at least twice.

2) Direct quote: “And David Thomas english muffins his way into the red zone!”

3) He made a point of saying “sacrebleu!!” after video of Saints running back Pierre Thomas scoring a touchdown, presumably because “Pierre” is a French name.***

4) He made a point to exaggerate Colts wide receiver Pierre Garcon’s last name, again presumably to highlight its French sound. At this point, I can’t tell if Berman loves the French or hates their fucking guts.

5) The Saints have an annoying catch phrase that goes something along the lines of “Who dat? Who dat? Who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints?” Berman opened the broadcast by repeating the catch phrase and then adding, “On this night, for this season, the answer is ‘No Dat.’” Jesus, that doesn’t even make sense.

6) Speaking of not making sense, he said that QB Drew Brees “may turn the axis forever on the Saints’ drive to destiny.” I’m not even going to try to decipher that.    

He’s like a babbling drunken uncle: vaguely entertaining, but you would never let him attend a work function. That last one isn’t even a complete thought. Watching him on television is mystifying, because I cannot figure out why he is there. I get it; that’s his shtick and it just might not be one that appeals to me. But I think that begs another question: Who does it appeal to? Who out there is demanding "MORE BERMAN, please"? Less insight, and MORE BERMAN. Less grammatical competency, and MORE BERMAN. Less basic coherence, and MORE BERMAN.  ...I just don't see that happening. ESPN owes us all a huge explanation. 
 

*P.T. Cruiser, probably. God, I hate you so much already.

** And by “get cranky,” I mean “drink myself into a volatile rage.”

***And I say “presumably” with reluctance; this guy is batshit crazy, no one really knows what he’s talking about.