Ups and Downs

Up: Don’t worry, we’ll be fine:  A lot of people these days worry about the balance of international power in the coming decades, noting that China’s massive population and its attendant economy will likely make the Asian nation the world’s foremost superpower. But good news! If a report from the Associated Foreign Press is to be believed then we have nothing to worry about, because apparently a lot of powerful people in China are also complete fucking idiots. According to the story, officials in the Zhangjiajie city government of the Hunan province have decided to rename a mountain in the region after a location in the movie “Avatar.” Previously known as either the “Heaven and Earth Pillar” or the “South Sky Pillar,” the peek is now going to be called the “Avatar Hallelujah Mountain.” The change came about because many in the region seem to think the mountain was the inspiration for the ‘flying mountains’ in the James Cameron film. In some ways, I’m upset: I was planning to name my first-born son Avatar Hallelujah Mountain, but now people will think I’m just copying the Chinese. But in other ways – the kind of ways that say no government could possibly be this stupid and also lead the world into the 21^st Century—I think I’m alright with the news.

And it’s still not as dumb as giving “Avatar” the Golden Globe for Best Picture.

Down: A plausible excuse: According to the Associated Press, police in Maryville, Tenn., pulled over a woman this week who was driving erratically, and then later arrested her for possession of cocaine after they found white powder on her lips. The police report says the woman claimed to have been “eating a powdered donut,” but you know how cops are, always assuming the worst about people. This reminds me of that time I ordered some munchkins at Dunkin’ Donuts, and opened the box to find out that I had mistakenly been given a shit ton of rock cocaine.

I mean, what did they expect me to do? Just give it back? And not go on a 4-day bender and wake up bruised and naked 400 miles from home with someone else’s blood on my hands?? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, DUNKIN’ DONUTS!??

Up: Whatever this guy was planning:  Earlier this week in Alexandria, LA, police arrested a man who was riding his bike in the dark without a headlight. When they stopped him, they found a weapon he had fashioned by attaching a butcher knife to a pool cue, presumably using tape. Oh, and he also had some razor blades in his pockets. And a crack pipe. And five outstanding warrants. And he was drunk.

Holy hell. Look, I understand the need to get this guy off the streets, but I’m not if the Alexandria Police Department understands my need to know what exactly this guy was planning to do. Sure, it could have been something bad, but it also could have been something AWESOME. You never really know where things are going to end up when you get drunk, smoke some crack, stuff your pockets with razor blades, attach a giant knife to a long shard of wood, and then decide to ride your bike. If I were the police, I’d just let that play itself out. 

Down: But I am Le Tired: There’s a lot to love about the French: they produce some of the world’s best wine, they speak the language of love, and their general stance toward female topless-ness in movies is something I think we’re all agreeable to. Sure, they’ve got a lot going for them, but then they go and spoil it all by doing something silly like, say, unfairly discriminating against minority religious rights and then masking their bigotry in the name of “human rights.” Le sigh. 

The story goes like this: A French Parliament panel released a report on Tuesday claiming that it was “unacceptable” for Muslim citizens of France to wear a burqa and full head veil in public because the traditional religious attire posed a challenge to “French values.” The panel recommended that legislation be passed to ban face-covering veils in public places like hospitals and schools, and suggested that basic services should be denied to those who show up at government offices wearing the veil. The rationale behind such a seemingly prejudiced, needless recommendation? “The wearing of the full veil is a challenge to our republic. This is unacceptable [and] we must condemn this excess,” said the group’s report, which also claimed that the veil was a symbol of female subservience and a way for “gurus” (<-- buh?) to export a brand of extreme religious fundamentalism to the French republic.  

The report is pointless and incorrect for a number of reasons. To begin, it’s counter-intuitive to claim that the best way to protect the republican values of French society is to deny freedom of religious practice to minority groups. You could make the argument that the burqa and the veil are symbols of female subservience, but you could also make the argument that the western practice of women feeling the need to wear low-cut tops and expose every inch of their sweet, supple bodies is just a different kind of subservience.* But in the end your opinion is going to come down to cultural context, and in the context of a supposedly-free and progressive society, people have the right to wear whatever they chose. French legislators who broadly claim that the burqa and veil represent an outdated practice that somehow threatens to bring the entire nation of France to rubble are a lot like those radical “gurus” who claim that Western culture is nothing but decadent and evil. Both sides are too near-sighted and unwilling to see the complexities of the issues, and cultural myopia is no way to run a nation or administer a religion. 

Perhaps the worst part of the story is the fact that the panel’s report was completely unnecessary. There are about 65 million people in France, 6 million of which are Muslim. And yet the French Interior Ministry estimates that only about 1900 wear a burqa and veil. That’s less (way less) than 1% of a group that is already just a fraction of the total population. Boy, it really sounds like this is a pressing issue that the French government simply HAD to convene a panel over. Is there no one in mainland Europe capable of doing some simple fucking math? Morons. 

Correction: bigoted morons.  

*YOU could make that argument, I never will; let ‘em fly free and easy, ladies!