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Friday: Call me inappropriate and insensitive, but I’m happy to learn that if I ever want to proposition David Duchovny for sex, he’ll probably say yes. He entered rehab today for an addiction to my tempting offer. Well, not specifically mine, just general sex. In light of this, I’ve got to wonder how the second season of Californication—the show that stars him as a sex-obsessed novelist—will fare. Let’s have a chat about art imitating life, shall we? All jokes and come-ons aside, I wish him all the best with his recovery. Even if I have no idea how one recovers from having lots of sex.

Saturday: I absolutely loathe Sean “P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, P. I dated Jennifer Lopez” Combs. He ranks right up there with Rachel Ray and Oprah on my list of despised people. Remember what he did to the 2004 Presidential election? His little “Vote or Die” campaign had celebrities like Paris Hilton—who wasn’t even registered—wearing crappy t-shirts and threatening me if I didn’t get to my polling place. And George Bush still got elected. So, I’m not really taking the fuel crisis any more seriously just because Diddy decided to “make a statement” and ground his private jets and fly coach. Yeah, even playas can’t fill up their tanks. Wow—now we’re really going start looking at alternative fuel options. For real. Thanks, Sean John!

Sunday: Yay! Another update about The Dark Knight! I know there was a bit of a drought last Sunday, but never fear—TDK was just a little busy passing the $500 MILLION MARK. Yup. It’s still got a ways to go before beating Titanic, but still. I wouldn’t throw $500 million out of bed just because it didn’t look like Leonardo DiCaprio.

Monday: Oh, Labor Day. I know that this is a crucial holiday, but all it means for me today is that no one’s reporting on any fun pop culture news. Time to comment on the Sarah Palin as VP pick? I suppose so. It’s a last-ditch attempt from the McCain camp to prove that they’re “with it” enough to choose someone who’s not an old white guy. Teen pregnancies and Palin’s own baby aside, her politics are tragically conservative, and won’t be doing this country any favors. OK—I promise that’s the last time you’ll see anything political in this column.

Tuesday: Back to our regularly scheduled reports.  Sadly enough, movie trailers will never be the same again—the famous voice behind the coming attractions, Donald LaFontaine, passed away today at the age of 68. And honestly, as if his stellar voice and ability to parody himself weren’t cool enough, how amazing is that name? Sigh. He’ll be sorely missed.

Wednesday: Loads of touring news today, so I’ll just rattle them off chronological style. We’ve got the Mogwai/Fuck Buttons tour gracing the stage at Congress Theatre on September 26, Santogold heading to House of Blues on September 28, Ben Folds coming to the Congress on October 10, and Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band camping out at the Vic on October 31 and November 1...spooky. Spend your money wisely, children.  

Thursday: Britney Spears will open the 25^th Video Music Awards on MTV this Sunday. Unlike last year’s hellish showing, she won’t be performing, but will instead do something “fun and unexpected.” Hmm…let’s be honest, she’s done pretty much everything she can on these shows, so I can’t imagine how “unexpected” her shtick will be. Doing lines of cocaine off an elephant’s back? Putting together a cohesive sentence? I guess you’ll have to watch to find out.