Culture

Monday Afternoon Roundtable: Toy movies

sharks

This week, the Heave staff was asked:

The LEGO Movie was the highest-grossing movie in America this past weekend. What toy from your childhood would you like to see get the cinematic treatment, and why?

Adam Cowden

Not sure if this counts as a toy, but still holding out for a Legend of Zelda movie…

Tim Munroe

I’d totally love to see a Backyard Baseball movie, detailing the rise of a promising young star, Pablo Sanchez. Perhaps a love interest in Keisha Phillips sprouts at some point, but it isn’t necessary for a quality movie. At some point Pablo’s gotta face off against Pete Wheeler, and there’s gotta be a steroid scandal. This was the only video game I was good at as a kid.

Matt Brassil

Almost everything from my childhood has been done at this point, I think. But I am still waiting for that Legend of Zelda movie. Nintendo needs to start their own studio or ease up with their rights. I’ve got treatments and plot outlines, people!

Alex Borkowski

The Mattel toy line Street Sharks from the 90s is what gets my vote. Mostly because the premise is pure gold: a scientist’s gene splicing device (referred to in the short-lived television show as “gene slamming,” because why not?) is stolen by his evil partner, who then uses it to turn his former colleague’s sons into tough talking, hard fighting half-shark, half-man abominations. It’s so threadbare, so massively bereft of any and all creativity in a way that only a 90s toy line can be, that it actually wraps back around to being bizarrely genius. Plus it features an orca with a giant tongue named “Moby Lick,” which is the grossest appropriation of Melville’s masterpiece since the last salacious Moby Dick pun I heard.

(Editor’s note: The film would be, in the parlance of the property, “jawsome.”)

Trent Zuberi

I have waited for Thundercats to finally get some millennial treatment. I can only imagine how, if done right, it could come out.

Meghan Bongartz

Lincoln Logs seem like the natural progression from Legos. Since Lincoln Logs didn’t come with small plastic people to live in the houses you built, there’s a lot more room here for appearances from Beanie Babies, Hot Wheels cars, and plastic dinosaurs, which I assume lived in everyone else’s log cabins, too. There can even be a cameo from Lego President Lincoln!

Francis Macarthy

K’Nex, duh. Lego has been the privileged toy building block company for too long. K’Nex made some rad stuff and I think it’s time we saw a K’Nex movie in the works for once. We might have been the minority of the creative toy market, but at least we had suitcases to carry our supplies in.

Dominick Suzanne-Mayer

WWE, man. They have a studio, and yet they either churn out shitty straight-to-DVD action movie sequels or give co-sign funding to movies like The Call. Where is the WWE equivalent of that latter-day WCW gem Ready to Rumble? The possibilities are endless!