It’s that time of year again, when aesthetically pleasing people who wore prosthetics to mask how aesthetically pleasing they are gather together to discuss how wonderful they are, while America watches. More succinctly, it’s Oscar weekend! Since attempting to pick award winners ahead of time is fun, and because bragging rights are even more so, three of our film writers have made their picks in the major categories. Come Sunday, we’ll see who reigns supreme. Maybe it’ll be you, as the reader, over any of us. Who knows? Also, stay tuned; first thing Monday, we’ll have a special edition of our film podcast Pod People, where our film crew will discuss the ceremony and the winners and losers alike.

Your participants (and regular Heave film critics) in this prediction contest are:

Dominick Mayer – Heave features editor, co-host of Pod People
Nico Lang – Staff writer for WBEZ Chicago and Thought Catalog, co-host of Pod People
Michael Roffman – President/Editor-In-Chief of Consequence of Sound

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Dominick:

Best Picture – Argo

If the Green Lantern’s mythology has taught me anything, it’s that human will is an extraordinary force capable of changing the course of mankind. So, if I will it hard enough that literally anything that’s not Lincoln wins, it shall be so.

Best Actor – Daniel Day-Lewis

But, I mean, a lot of money stands to change hands in Vegas if this somehow doesn’t happen.

Best Actress – Jennifer Lawrence

Some think that Emmanuelle Riva could pull the upset after the BAFTAs, but I can’t see a win for anyone other than the woman who’s been everywhere lately, stands as the face of a new generation of actors and has forced America into a collective sexual awakening.

Best Supporting Actor – Christoph Waltz

For one, he’s not a supporting actor. He’s in nearly as much of Django Unchained as Jamie Foxx is, and the only reason he’s not in even more of it is because of something the Oscars love: dramatic character death. Also, for the love of fuck, not Tommy Lee Jones. If he didn’t get it for his wonderful, understated work in No Country For Old Men, I hope he doesn’t get it for playing the same crotchety old man he plays in all of his more phoned-in performances and also in real life.

Best Supporting Actress – Anne Hathaway

Done.

Best Director – David O. Russell

I know it’s the anti-Lincoln bias talking, but how in the hell can Spielberg win this for a) pointing a camera at what could’ve easily been a stage play and b) bringing his signature inability to end a movie at the point it should actually end to the film. Russell has come back from his reputation as a lunatic enough to get two films up for Best Picture in a row, and he got career-best performances out of nearly everybody in his film.

Best Animated Feature – Wreck-It Ralph

Again, willpower.

Best Cinematography – Life of Pi

I have misgivings about this given the fact that a lot of the lushly shot locales were augmented by CGI (at least), but the only distinctive thing about the film is the way in which it makes you want to lick every single frame.

Best Editing – Argo

Tradition!

Best Adapted Screenplay – Silver Linings Playbook

So much is said within the film that you sometimes can’t even make all of it out, and yet it’s totally perfect. That can be attributed to performance, sure, but I put as much credit with David O. Russell’s airtight script.

Best Original Screenplay – Django Unchained

I almost want to say Moonrise Kingdom, just because the Oscars owe Wes Anderson an apology for almost completely snubbing one of his best films to date. That said, I’ll go with Tarantino, though it won’t be any kind of shock to see Mark Boal win it either.

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Nico:

Best Picture – Argo

Best Actor – Daniel Day-Lewis

Best Actress – Jennifer Lawrence

Best Supporting Actor – Robert DeNiro

Best Supporting Actress – Anne Hathaway

Best Director – Steven Spielberg

Best Animated Feature – Brave

Best Cinematography – Life of Pi

Best Editing – Argo

Best Adapted Screenplay – Argo

Best Original Screenplay – Django Unchained

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Michael:

Best Picture – Silver Linings Playbook

Some might argue it’s a surprise win, but given that it’s the first picture since 1981’s Reds to grab all four acting categories, one might believe it’s a top favorite amongst the voters. I gotta agree with them.

Best Actor – Daniel Day-Lewis

“Why don’t I own this? Why don’t I own this?” Something Day-Lewis will be saying in an alternate history where Joaquin Phoenix appropriately wins for The Master. Not in this world, unfortunately.

Best Actress – Jennifer Lawrence

Lawrence took a complicated character and made it easy to love her. In 20 years, she’ll look back and remember 2012 with a sparkle and a smile – and it’ll be from Oscar.

Best Supporting Actor – Robert DeNiro

Not since possibly Michael Mann’s 1995 crime heist masterpiece Heat has DeNiro delivered such an emotionally impacting performance. Anyone who makes it through The Bedroom Scene without weeping (and calling their pops shortly after) is a horrible human being that should be locked away.

Best Supporting Actress – Helen Hunt

So, yeah, this whole list I’ve assembled could arguably be nothing but upsets (save for Day-Lewis), but here’s one I don’t need Pepcid AC over. Hunt’s proper return to the silver screen has a 95% probability of nixing Anne Hathaway’s chances from singing her way home with a trophy. Sorry, Dom.

Best Director – David O. Russell

Steven Spielberg’s bloated historical epic Lincoln has a fighting chance here, and the same goes for Ang Lee’s exhaustive production behind Life of Pi, but if Silver Linings Playbook nabs top honors, so too does O. Russell. #oscartrends

Best Animated Feature – Brave

It’s not that the film deserves it. It’s that the Oscar voters probably aren’t hip enough to distinguish Bowser from a bottle of Pepsi.

Best Cinematography – Skyfall

Lee’s Life of Pi could bite into this category, but Skyfall has garnered too many top awards and critical acclaim to run out with just Best Goddamn Song. What’s more, it’s Roger Deakins’ tenth nomination in a long, tragic list of snubs that includes The Shawshank Redemption, Fargo, The Man Who Wasn’t There, No Country for Old Men, and I rest my case.

Best Editing – Argo

Bottom line: William Goldenberg will walk away with something here. Although Zero Dark Thirty is complex in its tangled web of interrogations and globe-trotting locations, Argo is without a doubt the top contender just by tension alone.

Best Adapted Screenplay – Argo

It’s a tough category to gauge, but it’ll really come down to Silver Linings Playbook, Argo or Lincoln. Given Snub Affleck, I’d lean on Argo winning favorably as retribution.

Best Original Screenplay – Amour

Quentin Tarantino could triumphantly claim an award for Django Unchained after his snub for 2009’s Inglorious Basterds – though, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar said it best earlier this week, “It’s a B-movie.” Michael Haneke’s Amour, on the other hand, is a depressing, soul-sucking piece of art, which is just the sort of stuff the Academy gets off on.

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Wild Cards:

-Pierce Brosnan will glare at Daniel Craig during the Bond 50 Commemoration: 3 to 5

-Bradley Cooper will hear “My Cherie Amour” during Daniel Day-Lewis’ acceptance speech: 4 to 5

-Brendan Fraser will present an award: 1 to 5

-Billy Crystal will talk about his love of baseball: 0 to 5

-The internet will talk about how insincere and terrible Anne Hathaway is: Even

-Picture, Director and Editing will all go to different films: .25 to 5

-Seth Macfarlane will say something offensive: Even

-Seth Macfarlane will laugh his ass off when his faux-shocking moment is the most discussed thing on Monday morning: More even than even can possibly get