In Case You Missed It: Drone On


In Case You Missed It, Heave’s weekly feature, sees Mike Haverty taking a closer look at the news you might’ve only glossed over.

Drones have been getting a lot of flak from everybody. After Congress said “right on!” to using military angel drones to keep a protective eye over America, nobody wants those caring metal cupids watching over us with their special set of love bullets. The uproar is perplexing. We can all use a little help from our godly neighbors in the sky. Unlike the voice of your local creeper suggesting you check out his car’s sound system, this kind of predator drone has your safety in mind! While we have just recently decided to open up our lives to the wonders of friendrones, expect some improvements to the world which are projected to be completed once we’ve achieved paradise.

In the future, there will be mail on Saturdays. We’ve been hearing a lot about how the United States Postal Service is cutting back on its Saturday service come August, but this injustice can’t last. By relinquishing themselves of burdens like HELPING HONEST AMERICANS get their cable bill early, or the timely delivery of birthday cards for weekend birthdays, post office fat cats have effectively monopolized America’s mailboxes. These government Garfields hold your magazines ransom and demand your obedience, while the future’s Post drone will deliver your mail with chummy boops at any time on any day! Just try to stop them! You can’t! You’ll never!

Unlike last paragraph’s lede, I ain’t gonna bury this baby: drone pope. For the last 50 years, the church has struggled with being modern while also being the oldest institution in existence. The flesh popes of the past have fell victim to old-hat doctrines and bedazzled old hats. Why listen to an old man pope explain the evils of contraception, when you can watch drone pope show his zero-tolerance stand on birth control by pulling wicked loops over Vatican City? No matter who’s wearing the robes when the ballots burn, the prospective pope won’t make drastic decisions on tough issues like “tolerance.” A drone pope is the modern makeover Catholics deserve: A strong leader on autopilot, one who can instill faith in those who dare disobey its friendly scriptures.

But this church stuff is small popetatoes compared to the most important part of the future: our future, by which I mean the children, but the future from years ago, so us…let’s just say millenials. You‘re stressed despite living in DroneLand. You’ve heard the adage “everything’s amazing & nobody’s happy ,” but you’re really not happy. All the convenience has cut out the errands and just leaves us to ourselves, introducing people to life lessons they could have lived their entire lives without. Whenever you feel unsure, know in your heart of hearts that the drones are here to help you. They’ll accompany you to the mall and see the movies you want to see. They’ll deliver tacos to your door and then watch you eat them to make sure they are 100% satisfactory. They stand to serve your comfort on any level, intimate to grandiose, genuine or prankish in nature. They are your best friends, and there is nothing they can’t do!*

*Except not NOT not shoot things.