This week, the Heave staff was asked:
Let’s pretend for a moment that the Animorphs books are still going. What animal would you want to be able to morph into, and why?
A cat, obviously, because then maybe I would have cat-eyes even as a human, plus I would feel one step closer to something out of Harry Potter, even though Animorphs was definitely on my to-do list most days as a child. Watching, that is, not quite reading the books (which had those great covers showing you step-by-step how to animorph, like phases of the moon).
I’ve been waiting for this question all my life. I’m playing a pen and paper rollplaying game right now in which I am essentially an Animorph – I can change into a couple different animals. I have to say, being a grizzly and flipping over cars is pretty badass.
I would morph into Animal from The Muppets, because then maybe I’d be good at drums.
I’d Animorph into a rhino so I could have two powers: super-strong horn-rushing abilities and the ability to take the most humongous and God-awful-smelling poops in all of the animal kingdom.
I guess I’d turn into a Three Wolf Moon T-shirt, whose natural habitat is the internet. That way nobody’ll take me seriously, reducing the risk of being seen as a threat. When my enemy turns their back: FAT NERD ATTACK +5 TO DAMAGE. I smother the son of a bitch while orating on the merits of Anarcho-Capitalism and Atheism.
A liger, because it’s bred for its skills in magic.
I would obviously become a gorilla. It just seems natural with my posture, shape and my desire to sit and stare at people with my expressive eyebrows, plus I know Sigourney Weaver and I would get along famously. Either that or some sort of dog beast. Yeah. I think about this often. No shame.
I’m leaning towards something like a river otter because then I’d have the land and water thing going for me. I’m not going to say that giant squid isn’t a tempting option, though, because why would you not want to try out being a giant squid?
A sloth. It’d eradicate the one problem with my current existence, where eating hazelnut spread with a spoon and drinking powdered Gatorade mix for its healthy properties is “frowned upon.” When you’re a sloth, don’t nobody give a fuck how you choose to live.