Culture

Rambling Dispatches: The Rock

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Every week in Rambling Dispatches, resident malcontent Quinn McGee rants about whatever the hell he pleases.

So everyone I know is busy talking about The Hobbit and how much they can’t wait to see it. It’s the only news anyone has deemed worth caring about, or so it seemed until I saw something on my Facebook wall.  Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has a new movie coming out next year called Pain & Gain, with Mark Wahlberg.

For those who know me, there are a few actors that I would go to war defending, and one of those is Dwayne Johnson. I actually think he’s a great actor and pretty versatile, despite what others might say. I bought a copy of Doom and enjoyed the hell out of it, so Rotten Tomatoes can shove that 20% rating right up its ass. Those pretentious-ass movie reviewers that they cite at the bottom of the page can piss off as well. I saw The Scorpion King in theaters and loved it. The dude’s a total action badass, and ripped to the extreme. Speaking of him being crazy built, do you follow him on Facebook? That’s a worthwhile Like, because if you haven’t seen him as The Hulk, you’re missing out. Dude just paints himself green, no real costume needed. Remember when you needed to buy a costume? He just rolls into a Home Depot and buys paint.

And the dude can do comedies as well. Have you seen The Other Guys and Get Smart? Two roles in comedies where he holds his own against people known for comedy, except for Marky Mark, who apparently spins a wheel of genres for each project and just goes full-bore into whatever it tells him. (The board would like to apologize to the early 90s.) Did you know he could do family films too? Have you seen The Game Plan? I have, and watched it by myself because people don’t watch movies with me. “What about The Tooth Fairy?” you ask. What about it? Moving on. (Also, watching family movies alone might be sadder than that guy who buys a Fleshlight molded after his favorite porn actress.)

Enough man crushing on Dwayne. I came here for a purpose, and it wasn’t just to make people worry about me. I want to talk about Mr. Johnson’s movie outlook for 2013, a.k.a. the real must-see movies of 2013. These are in IMDB order, and that changes all the time (Curse you for changing the release of G.I. Joe: Retaliation), so just be on the lookout for when these drop.

Snitch: This one follows Dwayne as an undercover dude for the DEA, trying to get his son out of prison for being “set up” on a drug deal. Anyway, you got Dwayne Johnson as the badass lead, and a bunch of other people that you love in other movies but never can remember their names, like Shane from The Walking Dead and that one cop guy from Miss Congeniality. Plus, there’s Susan Sarandon, because apparently she has been thrown around from movie to movie this past year and next. You know what other movie came out in the winter where a badass dude has to save his kid? It was called Taken, and it was awesome. I’m looking forward to seeing Dwayne Johnson be that guy, and since it’s against drug cartels, you know that the gun fights and car chases in such movies are always insane. This movie is going to be great and you should all plan on seeing it.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation: It’s finally coming out, and not delayed again because scumbag Channing Tatum got all popular and couldn’t just be killed off in the beginning as planned. You know what that fucker got popular for? The Vow, a romantic whatever movie that probably got views because of Rachel McAdams, and 21 Jump Street, where he was actually really good and I can’t say anything bad about it. Neither of these roles were action like G.I. Joe, so he’s probably going to shit the bed like he did in the first one, meaning that the world was denied Dwayne Johnson for months for no reason. Anyway, Paramount is finally releasing it, and it has Dwayne Johnson as Roadblock, who I think from the trailer is the team leader. I’m certain that the leader is Joe, but that is Bruce “I won’t stop being relevant” Willis’ character, so I refuse to accept that. Anyways, it’s going to be another action-filled spectacle and I’ll see it because I saw the first one, and now that they have Dwayne Johnson as a lead, it’s only upward for the series from here.

Empire State: I don’t know a lot about this one, and I don’t know Dwayne’s role in it. He is probably the cop opposite Liam Hemsworth-Cyrus and Emma Roberts, who are bank robbers or something like that. Probably going to be a decent film if Liam is able to focus and Miley Cyrus isn’t around a lot. He’s the weak link in the cast, so hopefully Dwayne can bring him up through association.

Pain & Gain: The movie that inspired this column, about a pair of bodybuilders who get mixed up in a kidnapping scheme and extortion ring. If that premise doesn’t make sense, it’s because it isn’t supposed to. It’s all being directed by Michael Bay. If there was a premise, it wasn’t flammable enough for him. It has a cast of mostly well-known comedians, Marky Mark and Dwayne, so I’m actually kind of excited about it. Also, who decided Mark Wahlberg was a bodybuilder? He’s in shape, but looks like a pebble compared to Dwayne Johnson. I want to see it, but it’s a tough decision because it pulls between my love of Dwayne Johnson and my hate of Michael “Childhood Killer” Bay.

This isn’t the entire list of movies that Dwayne is in, either. He has at least two more slated for 2013, and both a Hercules film where he plays Hercules and Arabian Nights (where he plays Sinbad) coming out in 2014. Things are looking awesome for my man Dwayne Johnson. Now I need to get a good-paying job so I can see all these films. Multiple times.