This week, the Heave staff was asked:
In honor of Lincoln hitting theaters, who’s a historical figure you’d like to see in movie form?
Ben Franklin. I think we need the movie about America’s first international playboy. Also, I want the poster reading “French treaties by day, French ladies by night” to be a reality.
I wanna see the true story of Valentine’s Day…ya know, the one where the guy went around performing marriages until the Romans found out and then brutally tortured him? I’m picturing Braveheart meets…just about any Garry Marshall movie. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll probably feel a little guilty every time you buy a Hallmark card for the holiday. Honestly, how has this movie not been made?
Jim Jones (cult leader, not rapper), mostly because it’s my secret dream to make the Jonestown movie that rounds up all the Oscars. Can’t tell me nothin‘.
Considering all presidents have been depicted in film or animation at least once, I’d like to see Teddy Roosevelt. Gimme some of that rough rider action! Let’s see Teddy tame the wild frontier while siring 20 illegitimate children. Maybe we could have just a documentary about illegitimate children of the White House. Make it a soft-core porn too…in fact, forget all that, I’m just gonna watch Who’s Nailin’ Palin again.
I would love to see a movie about H.H. Holmes. I’ve been watching a lot of slasher movies recently, and guys like Jason or Freddy don’t scare me as much as that man. Dude had a house rigged up for poisoning people in their sleep. They could even just straight up adapt Devil in the White City and make it about the World’s Fair.
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin. What? What?
Clint Eastwood. He’s pretty historical, and he’s had an interesting life.
Another President deserving of a modern big screen biopic is Teddy Roosevelt, one of the biggest badasses ever to be elected to the office. I believe that Martin Scorsese has talked about teaming up with Leo (as usual) to bring the story of Teddy and the Rough Riders to theaters. But if there’s one non-President from American history who I want to see a movie about, it has to be abolitionist and one of the biggest badasses period John Brown. If you don’t know who he is, look him up, this guy is fucking awesome (I mean, besides all the murders… but, hey, historical context! So, no big deal anymore, right?) I believe another one of my favorite directors, Quentin Tarantino, has toyed with the idea of doing a movie about him in the past, although that seems less likely now, since he’s covering similar ground with Django Unchained.
Magellan. Dude sailed around the world and must’ve had some incredible three-act structured adventures along the way.
I’m tempted to say Marie Antoinette or Cleopatra or Anastasia, all my favorite dead royals, but they’ve gotten the Hollywood treatment so much already – especially with the already-hyped-in-pre-production Cleopatra biopic starring Angelina Jolie. And since Sylvia Plath has been silverscreened (with an unfortunate script) by Gwyneth Paltrow, let’s make a movie about Simone de Beauvoir, French feminist/theorist/existentialist. Or, on that topic, let’s see some Nietzsche get the green light. Freud and Jung made it into scripts, so a philosophical round-table flick would be the perfect thing to complement.
As much as it’d be incredibly depressing, I think a Chet Baker movie would be fantastic. It’d just be really hard to cast.
Space Jam already happened, so I’m plumb out of ideas. That was more of a documentary, though, wasn’t it?
In that case, I’d have to say Roald Dahl. He was so important to me in my youth and again in my adulthood, and his life was completely fascinating between his bizarre childhood, going to war and his writing. I’d watch that biopic.
Lil B. A rare and based biopic for the people of Earth and also other planets.