Rambling Dispatches: Kate Gosselin


Kate Gosselin. Oh, how I’ve missed you so. Not really, actually; I secretly hoped she was just kind of forced onto a raft and set adrift, or hunted down by a pack of bear ninjas that only attack people of the most questionable moral fiber. (They are called Bearly There, because puns are cute.) Anyway, she’s actually back in the news, and it isn’t about public nudity or a sex tape, which is what I usually write about when it comes to ex-reality celebrity returns. I was browsing through pop-culture news and stumbled on the Gosselin seal of absolute bat-shit craziness. That seal is actually just Kate Gosselin’s name, or that guy she was married to in a picture just looking sad in an Affliction T-shirt. The article is about how Jon Gosselin alleged that Kate only bought dogs for her kids so she could get more views as a reality program, because dogs give off a family vibe and make people believe that this familial train-wreck is less so because of puppies. The worst part is that she apparently abused the dogs, and they were living in filth when they were with Kate. I know what you are saying right now, WHY THE HELL IS THIS NEWS?

First things first: why is Kate’s last name still Gosselin? Oh, that’s right, for the fame. It’s sad to say that she’s still more famous with the name of that douchebag attached to her, even though they’ve been divorced for nearly three years now. Not like that last name is awesome or prestigious. As far as I can tell, it has a negative connotation, and I guess it has to do with her too. I’m led to believe that she’s choosing to keep that name because she’s part of the reason it inspires rage in people like me, and it’s part of her penance for the crime. Or maybe when she was getting a divorce, the judge decreed that her last name be forever stricken from her title, and she must wear the Gosselin last name as a badge of shame, much like The Scarlet Letter. I like to believe the latter.

Second, who actually has an interest in these two idiots anymore? (Beside me, because I have articles to write.) Have they even done anything this year, like a book, or a television appearance, or a smut film? Apparently so, because the Examiner wrote the article that triggered this whole conversation. The article says that Jon leaked the information about the abuse to a source that has been close to Jon for a while. Already I call that guy into question, because who just volunteers for that job? That’s a lot of shame to swallow for a little celebrity. The guy apparently wrote the book about Kate, and it wasn’t called Dances With Wolves because that was taken already. So why now? Is there anything big coming over the horizon for these two divorced people who share the same last name? Nope, just out of the blue, Jon comes in with “Hey world, my ex-wife beats dogs, just thought you should know.” I guess it was time to throw another log on the fire so America wouldn’t just forget about one of its old laughingstocks.

And finally, I haven’t forgotten about the dogs. There are two dogs here that are kind of just in the mix, didn’t choose the family they were placed in and later found out there is a noise more annoying than that silent whistle. I feel bad if this is all factually accurate and those dogs are getting abused, but the article even says that the guy who published these accusations never saw animal abuse, but just took good ol’ Jon’s word on it. That’s why I’m not getting all Sarah McLachlan up-in-“the arms of the angels” over this, because it’s probably a load of horse shit. The accusations are that she never fed them, they lived in their own feces and they were caught eating plastic Easter eggs to survive. While I’ll bet they probably weren’t played with all the time, or that Kate probably yelled at them, I doubt that they were left lying around in feces and forced to eat inedible objects to survive. My dog ate rocks because he’s an idiot and saw me playing with them, because I was a bored idiot. No one came at me and said it was because I neglected him; it’s because dogs are like permanent toddlers. They eat shit all the time if they can get to it. That’s what makes them adorable and loyal to you. I love dogs, but I can also smell bullshit and see when a person is just looking to make some noise with accusations of dog abuse.

Moral of the story: Jon and Kate Plus the Trail of Relentless Bullshit will continue on forever. And none of this was about their kids. I don’t even know how the kids are doing. I assume fine enough since they’re older now. Did you know they are eight, and the twins are 12 years old now? Maybe the next story will be about how eight children just want their parents to cut the shit.

  • Anna Gosselin

    No relation here just a screen name but I have heard from some of the locals that when Jon left Kate refused to care for the dogs who sat in filthy crates for hours upon hours. He returned them to the breeder and later the male was brought back for the show to show all how nice a Mom Kate was to allow one dog back. Apparently the female canine bitch hated the Kate bitch and growled at her. German Shepherds are one of the smartest dog breeds and why they are chosen for military and Police work. They can sense and smell bad vibes from sociopaths like Kate a mile away. I’ll guarantee those kids are now the remaining dog’s caretakers.

    • Thats pretty interesting. I know dogs are great at getting to know the character of a person. Guess I was right to not like her so much. And I just assume everything they do is a PR stunt now, because that 15 minutes of fame has stretched for 8 years for some reason. Thanks for the comment and thanks for reading.

      • Even SHE admits the dog(Shoka) left with them now”knows not to kiss her at all so that is not even an issue”…taken from her own website…now just HOW does a dog LEARN not to kiss his master???By knowing a person is unkind to you and will hurt you and yell at you when you show any affection to that particular person..THAT’S how…She’s a cruel and heartless woman to every living creature she comes across in life…I bet she is just fuming with her kids and probably even blaming them for the show getting cancelled…Would give anything to be the fly on the wall in THAT house for a day or

        • darlene

          being a fly on her wall knowing her she would kill that too.

        • I would be one upset fly if the short time I got to live was on that wall. lol. And I can’t believe that the dog just doesn’t kiss her. I know dogs on the street going on walks that up and kiss strangers that they pass. Thats a pretty interesting fact, from the horses mouth too no less. Thanks for sharing that with me and thanks for the comment.

  • Buttercup

    This was a great article and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Kate is a horrible person who is hanging on to the d-list with all her might (maybe we could vote her onto her own private list like the k-list or something). She has absolutely zero friends, is the absolute definition of someone with narcissistic personality disorder, uses her children and pets for what can only be described as America’s longest bout of fame-whoring. She tweets every other moment about being a great Mom yet, because of her incessant twittering you can get the vibe that she barely tolerates being around her kids. Everyone who has been cast off the K8 island has had to sign an iron clad non-disclosure agreement that she helped tweak that is in effect FOREVER or these poor people will be sued back to the stone age. So that is why we don’t hear from past people such as her bestie Beth or Carla or any of the hundreds of people who have volunteered or helped at her house or been in her employ. I only want her back in the news so that these poor children can be saved from her meglomaniacal clutches.

    • Thanks for the read and the compliment I hear what your saying too. Another awkward and embarrassing news story means another chance to draw attention to the children in this situation. Maybe one day we will hear all of the nastiness that actually happened (which is scary because I feel we hear more than we need to already). Until then though, hopefully the kids are alright. All of these kids of these ex-reality star families are in a pretty shitty situation.

  • darlene

    Here we go again Kate on with Andy If she is not in the spotlight she is not happy who gives a rats ass if you lost 40 lb let us not forget your plastic surgery just think witch if you lost your mind(you have and don’t know it) there would be another 15 lbs. Give it up Kate no one wants to see you anyway.Go hide under the rock you just came out of you old BAG.

  • Bored

    Did you ever consider that Kate kept the Gosslin last name so that she could have the same last name as her 8 kids? It amazes me how people like you sit around writing vile articles about people you don’t know, while hiding behind a computer. Internet bully.

    • Cristina

      Believe it Bored, it is not necessary to know this person that much to see how she is… Maybe you are one of Kate’s fans that do not want to accept the kind of person she is….. I am sure you don’t know her either… Come on…. Wake up… smell the coffee…

  • Kamilla Roberts

    I don’t believe anything that comes out of Jon’s mouth.

  • Please stop giving this woman what she wants, seeing her name in print. Can’t we all just ignore her?

  • I believe everything that comes out of the Gosselinbook and out of Jon’s mouth!