This week, the Heave staff was asked:
Halloween month is now upon us. (That’s what October is called now. You heard it here first.) What’re some of your costume ideas for this year?
Being the size that I am, I need a costume that fits my body type. Therefore, Andre The Giant.
I’m going for simplicity this year. With a white T-shirt, jeans and the glasses I already wear every day, I shall make a perfectly adequate Hank Hill.
Julie Newmar’s 60s-era Catwoman. Glitter catsuits and bling y’all.
That’s an easy one! I’m going as the lady version of Tugg Speedman from Tropic Thunder…when he goes apeshit and kills a panda. Yeah. How ’bout them apples?
I can’t divulge that information. Won’t be as fun.
I was set on being Arcot Ramathorn from Super Troopers last year, but I ended up attending a journalism conference and missed the campus festivities completely. If I can’t find a pal to be Rod Farva, or two to be the Powerpuff Girls, I’m just going to throw something together that involves a cape and a lot of glitter. Or both.
My costume idea this year is to have a costume. Any costume, really. For the last eight years, I have thrown together mediocre at best costumes (ranging from “a Ramone” in high school to “shitty ninja ghost” last year) and I would like to do something at least not so half-assed this year. I might rent a skunk outfit and be a skunk. Skunks are cute and they are highly underrated. I mean, come on. If they didn’t spray your dog or Aunt Kathy at your last family reunion, you would totally agree with me here. If you don’t, I’ll be a skunk just to spite you. So I guess the answer to this question is I want to rent a skunk suit. I could have just said that and this would have been a much more effective response.
I have a few ideas, but nothing that I’m super excited about yet. Right now I’m trying to decide between hipster Ariel and Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas, while trying to come up with another idea that doesn’t involve dying my hair red.
I was thinking of falling down the stairs, cutting the word “Hollywood” into my chest and stapling a childhood picture to my forehead. Get it? I’m Hollywood’s corruption of my childhood.
My original plan was to portray meth kingpin Walter White, but I’m still in the grieving stages of getting over the loss of my summer beard, and it’s too soon to regrow it just so I can cry over a sink as it disappears anew. As it stands, I have no idea. I was spoiled as a kid, because my mom came up with costume ideas every year and made them by hand. The one year she gave in to my incessant bitching about having a store-bought costume like the other kids, I was a blue M&M. So fuck you, 7-year-old Dominick, you don’t know anything about Halloween. I guess my answer to the initial question is “not a blue M&M, because that’s fucking dumb.”