Happy belated Father’s Day, everybody. Yes, even the ladies and barren men out there. In Case You Missed It belongs to the world this week, because we collectively made sure That’s My Boy debuted at fifth in the box office, meaning Adam Sandler’s cinema shité might reach diminishing returns. I’m sad that every other person involved in the movie I like might be worse off, but they were necessary casualties. A memorial to performer and crew career sacrifices will be displayed after every showing of the movie. Fans are invited to reach for the names of lost careers as they scroll up the screen. Now is a time for cultural healing. The benevolent-turned-unruly father of 90s comedy has fallen. Semper Film. At least until Grown Ups 2 comes out, when sad moms across America need to do something with the kids and say “fuck it, Grown Ups 2.”
Humor has changed a lot compared to when Sandler started his film career in the 90s. Stealing intellectual property was much harder, and now you can just take another person’s work and host it on your website for big advertising dollars. Matthew Inman, owner of humor website TheOatmeal.com is now being sued by FunnyPages.com for defamination, after TheOatmeal asked FunnyPages to take down the original artwork they hosted without permission. When asked for comment, FunnyPages.com owner said “I’ll stop claiming common internet humor for my own if you can do the same.” Sorry, that was actually my catty, catty brain talking, and yes, I’m going to use this time to talk about how The Oatmeal isn’t worth rehosting.
If the CBS of internet humor is found in the emails your aunt keeps sending you, The Oatmeal is ABC. Nothing bad, but not genius. Overall extremely decent, typical stuff. The language never changes too much, as there are only so many ways one can organize swear words for humor potential. Observations, not very new or exciting, are explored with renewed fervor, while facts you probably know are re-explained with the internet’s expected unexpected. At some point in the experience, something rad is equated to riding an astonishing vehicle/bear affixed with chainsaws. Conversely, something bad will cause a nameless clump of a person to yell “fuckity fuck.” See also: cats, bacon, Tesla, and other meme reappropriations, making him the lazy Lichtenstein of the information age.
Some people churn out the same jokes for every comic or movie. In theory, they’re giving the public a proven want. But in the end, it’s all bacon in the sundae. Burger King has started selling bacon sundaes. They make for a great post-Grown Ups 2 hatesnack, but the mass acceptance of bacon in everything is more my point. Loving bacon is woven into American life. Even the American flag looks like seven strips of bacon on a rectangular plate, forcing every true American to scream “get your own damn bacon, stars!” We now accept bacon as the philosopher’s stone for all modern dining, when bacon has become the laziest way to make things better.
Bacon has become a superficial ingredient, adding, if not just flavor, the allure that what you are eating is now better than it was pre-bacon. The biggest crisis is that we know what we like. This doesn’t sound bad, self-actualization and what not, but there are now millions of people who want to give you exactly what they think you want. The more frequent, the better. Now, fads are over faster, jokes become overdone easier, and our meals lean towards the grotesque.
And if you must eat chocolate and bacon, you have better options.