Culture

Monday Afternoon Roundtable: Psychic Animals

phil

This week, the Heave staff contemplates:

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow last week, meaning six more weeks of winter. What animal do you think should predict other future events, and which?

Patrick Gill

1. If the gophers do not rise on November 13, the grizzlies shall rise up and take back California within the year.
2. If a wombat lays with a platypus, the poppy crop shall wilt and the milk shall curdle across Tasmania.
3. The field mouse is the harbinger of Ragnarok. Capture one and place it in a oaken box. If it flees from peanut butter in the left corner of the box, the end is nigh.
Amy Dittmeier

We need more cute things that predict death. I’ve read about a cat that lives at a hospice that knows within 24 hours when a patient will die, but we need to step it up. Red panda? Baby sloth? Baby elephant?

Mike Haverty

A wombat in the morning would guarantee a smooth commute, but a wombat at night would mug you. A wombat sleeping at a zoo in the afternoon will make you look for wake up rocks.

Marissa Morales

If a honey badger gets bitten by a snake and doesn’t care, the Cubs will choke.

Dominick Mayer

At the sixth dusk of the moon solstice, the youngest man or woman from the lowest populated town must fight a boar with its bare hands. If the youngest removes the throat, one year of weekly ice cream socials shall be awarded. If the youngest defeats the boar, TGI Fridays’ potato skins shall sweeten the deal. Should the boar emerge supreme, though, for one year the boar is allowed to dictate all policymaking and law within the town. Only twice has this happened, once in 1836 and once last year. This dark time is known as “Leather Law.”