This week, the Heave staff contemplates:
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow last week, meaning six more weeks of winter. What animal do you think should predict other future events, and which?
We need more cute things that predict death. I’ve read about a cat that lives at a hospice that knows within 24 hours when a patient will die, but we need to step it up. Red panda? Baby sloth? Baby elephant?
A wombat in the morning would guarantee a smooth commute, but a wombat at night would mug you. A wombat sleeping at a zoo in the afternoon will make you look for wake up rocks.
If a honey badger gets bitten by a snake and doesn’t care, the Cubs will choke.
At the sixth dusk of the moon solstice, the youngest man or woman from the lowest populated town must fight a boar with its bare hands. If the youngest removes the throat, one year of weekly ice cream socials shall be awarded. If the youngest defeats the boar, TGI Fridays’ potato skins shall sweeten the deal. Should the boar emerge supreme, though, for one year the boar is allowed to dictate all policymaking and law within the town. Only twice has this happened, once in 1836 and once last year. This dark time is known as “Leather Law.”