This week, the Heave staff was asked: This week, Soulja Boi bought himself a $55 million jet for his 21st birthday. If cash was no object, what’d be your self-given birthday present?
This question really stumped me. For hours I just stared at the screen and imagined myself with unlimited resources. Nothing really good came to mind, so I decided to consult a higher power. I needed to pray about this. So, being an Alcoholist, I ran to my nearest Cardinal Liquors and picked up a case of Gumballhead. I drank myself to sleep, all the while begging the Magical Sky Wizard to ease my troubled mind.
That night I dreamed I was a security guard (more like a bouncer) at a base for marine biologists. Those marine biologists were studying a part-narwhal, part-beluga whale, named T.J. Yes, T.J. had the body of a beluga, but the big jutting horn of a narwhal. There was nothing that T.J. couldn’t do, or wouldn’t do for his bros. And we were bros. T.J. was my best friend. He would do tricks, he would give hugs, and I would rub his belly. Not once did either of us ever get an accidental erection! True bros!
Fuck Soulja Boi. And fuck his jet. I can’t even afford a car and that motherfucker’s got a $55 million jet. How does he even have that much money, anyway? I can’t even remember the last time I heard any of his “music.” Fuck. Whatever. Swag.
Anyway, if I could buy myself anything, it would be a big-ass apartment/house, so I could replace the door to the basement with a grandmaster clock that leads down to my own personal bat cave (or bat rec room, rather, with a home theater and shit. Man, this fantasy is getting elaborate.) So that’s what I would get. T-Pain has it, I saw it in his house on Cribs. Unlike Soulja Boi, I find some of his music at least mildly tolerable.
If I have enough money to buy something as ludicrous as a jet, a lot of my top shelf gift ideas are out – a theater room, a pony, an infinity swimming pool. To outdo Soulja Boy I need something totally swag. I need a seaside resort all to myself. I’d convert it into my summer home, put a bar close to my private beach, and hang out with my mini horse Pickles in the sun 24/7.
Large hadron collider. I’m determined to build Stargate for real before I leave this world.