Shelby Shaw: I can’t say I know much about the man, but if he were a hipster in his early 30s, there is no doubt he would certainly be in his own band. I mean, he does have that facial hair going for him. He could thus easily be some Providence-based indie man with twelve band mates all playing different instruments. I think the real question here is: if Jesus were a hipster, which music blog(s) would he frequent? And certainly if he were the real JC he wouldn’t be reading Pitchfork – isn’t that the symbol of Satan? Or maybe Poseidon. But I bet Christ wasn’t really into polytheism either. If his favorite falafel joint in Wicker Park wouldn’t let him eat for free, he’d probably reply with: “Do you know who my father is?” Therefore his dad would have to have been some big shot in the music business to give him the power to say: “Yeah, I’m in a band. And my dad takes care of all my bills.” Jesus would only listen to his own band. And he would shamelessly grab people of all ages, men, women, children, the elderly, and recruit them for his street team, which would disobey the law to slap up posters for Jesus’ gigs in any public setting. They would even hack websites – Facebook, MySpace, Twitter would be constantly flooded with #listeningtojesus tweets. Most of Jesus’ sold-out shows would be in the south. And of course he would take over those church venues that used to house concerts for artists who would later become main-name rock and prog and emo musicians. Which makes me realize that Jesus would be one of those obnoxious indie musicians who doesn’t categorize himself into one genre – and no matter how hard as they might, music bloggers around the world will viciously debate with each other whether JC’s latest single is a shoegaze-numetal-folk beat for dancing or a tropical-electronica-grunge-pop ballad. Thus Jesus would throw a giant wrench into the belly of the beast that is music, and the thing would never recover. Jesus would have killed music as we know it.
Wes Soltis: It would be easy to say Jesus would be down with a band like The Jesus and Mary Chain, but that’s too easy – and hipster Jesus would be far too cool to do something too easy. Then again, picking The Jesus and Mary Chain might be ironic – and we know hipster Jesus loves irony. I could see him liking something a little more mellow like Grizzly Bear. Or something with strings like Margot & the Nuclear So and So’s. They play a lot of strings in church – so maybe he’d be down with that. Or he’d rebel against his father and listen to Mastadon.
Ben Kessell: Jesus would listen to Pelican, Tusk, and maybe Horse the Band; being the son of God is pretty fuckin’ metal. Jesus knew how to throw a party as well so I’m thinking Justice, Girl Talk, Boys Noize, Sleigh Bells and maybe Ultrablack if the party was really bumpin’. His hipster status however will forbid him from dancing unless it’s to totally show that girl in his “history of neo-post modern slam poetry” class or whatever. He’s just going to kind of sweaty and maybe punch the area around him. Then he’ll remember his cokehead street performer girlfriend and him are no longer on break so he’ll shuffle off whistling some Grinderman while mumbling something about a glueten allergy. I could imagine the last supper would be vegan or roach-coach take-out; maybe a performance by Thomas and Mark and their new neo-synth klezmer band.