Ups and Downs: Can You Smell All the Humor I’m Cookin,’ or some such early-2000’s Professional Wrestling Reference?

Dwayne Johnson

Up: It’s the Headline of the Week!: This week’s headline comes from Yahoo! Education, a Yahoo-sponsored web blog that covers issues in public and private education, and keeps a running tab on my constant use of the phrase, “That mother fucker is OLD SKOOL!” The headline:

“Jobs for People Who Hate Other People.”

The article details employment fields which would seem like a good fit for people who don’t enjoy working with customers, who find constant social interaction unpleasant or who are just generally misanthropic. The blog suggests jobs such as:

Writer: As the story notes, writing is a solitary process (even as I write this article, I’ve locked myself behind several steel-bolted doors and turned off all the lights, so that I can weep silently in peace). It becomes even more solitary if your right-wing, backwoods militia pamphlet about how the government is stealing the iron from our blood in a socialist plot and needs to be forcibly usurped isolates you from those around you.

Budget Analyst: Like writers, budget analysts, overall, can lead a solitary professional life. Most budget analysts start work promptly at 8 a.m., Monday-Friday, and work until 5 p.m., meticulously combing through the financial records for both large and small businesses. The value and impact of every purchase or expenditure must be weighed, and every cent and decimal must be accounted for in this precise job. Then, at 5 p.m., most budget analysts quietly pack their belongings into their briefcases, take the rush hour train down to the bad part of downtown, and pay $8 to do a line of cocaine off of a prostitute’s neck. Then, with their adrenaline surging, they will pick a fight with a much stronger, younger individual, and then refuse to defend themselves as the blows reign down on their head / genitals. As they lie bloodied in the gutter, most budget analysts think to themselves: “This is just like that movie Fight Club, which was on TNT the previous weekend, since TNT is contractually obligated to play only that and any movie starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson every 48 fucking hours.”

Accountant: This job features work similar to that of a budget analyst, only someone trained as an accountant is more likely to make more money over the course of their career. I was once an accountant for a Fortune 500 company, but was fired when I refused to stop yelling “That mother fucker is OLD SKOOL!” at the CEO.

Down: THANKS EVOLUTION: According to a new study in the journal of Dude, Can You F*cking Imagine What That Would Have Been Like?!, scientists have discovered that a relatively small number of genes — possibly 10-20 — are responsible for many of the traits that allowed human to evolve beyond Chimpanzees, our nearest evolutionary ancestor. Those genes allowed Homo Sapiens to develop larger, higher-functioning brains, and –and I’m not kidding — help to block the development of barbed spines on the human penis. Even though I spent that intense 3-month semester studying at Animal Dongs University (our school mascot was ruled pornographic by the U.S. Supreme court), I had no idea that many mammals, such as members of the ape family, have spines on their penis which accelerate the speed with which an animal will reach climax.

Evolutionarily speaking, animals like Chimpanzees, who compete with other aggressive males for mating partners, may need to perform the sex quickly. For humans, however, there is no evolutionary downside to longer intercourse, especially, as the study notes, if you just put on some slow jamz.

Up: This Commercial: Nothing was going right with my alt-rock band –Soul Demons– until we started powering our instruments with COW SHIT:

Thanks, GE!

Down: Keeping it Hot Between the Sheets: A new study done by British researchers but commissioned by Warnes Bros. movie studio as a promotion for the film Hall Pass (<–I’m not shitting you) suggests that the “Seven-Year Itch” had now become what social scientists are terming the “Three-Year Glitch.” Those terms apply the the expected amount of time a couple, married or otherwise, will have been together before they encounter serious challeneges in their relationship. Previously it was thought to take about seven years before some couples become disinterested in one another, but this new study argues that for many young people three years is a more reasonable expectation. According to the study, after three years, regular sexual intercourse can drop dramatically, as do the number of compliments that members of a couple are likely to pay one another.

When polled, the major irritations that participants in the study had regarding either their partner or their relationship as a whole included: A lack of sex, hygeine issues, outdated clothing styles, and weight gain. The researchers suggest that the best way to keep a relationship strong is to make some personal changes around the three-year mark; begin using hard drugs to counteract any weight gain, only wear clothing that says either “Angel” or “Slut” across the butt to keep current with fashion trends, and shave your back and upper neck in your office bathroom.

The researchers also suggested that you could, if possible, take a trip to Las Vegas with your wife, gamble away your life savings, encounter a billionaire who offers to pay you one million dollars for one night of passion with your beautiful wife, make the agnozing decision to accept the offer, and then slowly allow your paranoia and jealousy to consume all of your thoughts and actions, only to have both you and your wife realize the strength of your mutual love. There is a small chance that that is just the plot to the movie Indecent Proposal, which was ON TNT THIS PAST WEEKEND. Holy shit, is The Rock an extra in this movie somewhere? Like, a cabana boy waiting to drop The People’s Elbow on any jabronies he might encounter?