Culture

Ups and Downs: You’re going to have to get a friggin knife and cut me out of these hipster skinny jeans.

hipsterdino

Up: It’s the Headline of the Week!: This week’s winner comes from CNN.com’s “The Chart” blog –a health blog reporting on wellness, medicine, and Dr. Sanjay Gupta’s incredible good looks and bedside manner: “Message to Teens: Yes, Oral Sex is Sex, and it can Boost Cancer Risk.

Hooray! It’s about time someone made an implied Bill Clinton oral sex joke and then directed that joke to teenagers, who couldn’t have been older than 5-6 when Bill Clinton was president, and thus have no memory or context for the joke in the first place. Fuck me! – What kind of hilarious rib-tickler is running this blog??

The headline is actually really deceptive; citing a pediatrics study out of the University of California, it makes the point that oral sex — apparantly frequently practiced by teenagers who don’t know how to get down to the biznat yet — is one way to spread sexually transmitted diseases, including HPV, which can significantly raise the risks of cancer. The oral sex itself doesn’t cause cancer. Unless, of course, you’re like me, and only perform oral sex in a UV-ray tanning bed, while simultaneously talking on 16 cell phones and smoking an extra smooth pack of Virginia Slims.

Down: Ultimate Fail, Levi’s: You’ve probably heard this axiom before: Fashion is cyclical. Typically, people use it to explain why trends and styles from the past seem to reemerge several decades later. But it also implies that fashion–along with other bits of culture– is a bit reactionary, and that when one trend falls out of grace, its direct antithesis can rise in popularity. A prime example: Jeans. When I was 13 years-old and in middle school, nothing was more popular than enormous JnCo Jeans. They were the ideal way to tell the world that you were a rebel, that you were emotionally alienated and only the band ICP understood your unique rage., and that you were probably going to have a bad meth habit as an adult. Ahh, childhood.

Of course, now fashion dictates the exact opposite: Your jeans need to be so skinny that they cut off circulation to your legs, and the ER doctors have to amputate your feet to get them off. Hey, it’s worth it to get Justin Bieber’s attention. Here’s my issue with the skinny jeans for men fad: I have uneven body proportions. I’m muscular on top, but my legs are skinny — like, really skinny. I am the human equivalent of a Daddy Long-Legs spider. In fact, “Daddy Long Legs” was my stage name when I was a caberet dancer. It was also my pimp name.

What?

The point I’m making is that, for me, skinny jeans fit really well. They’re just jeans. Even so — and gender stereotypes aside — I never feel exceptionally masculine, or adult, buying jeans from Hollister or American Apparel. You’re surround by malnutritioned teenagers sexting one another and listening to Bruno Mars or some bullshit. Even people who like skinny jean fashion have to hate the fact that they are so frequently and obviously associated with hipster culture.

So as you can imagine, Levi’s Jeans just seriously shit the bed when they announced a new style of jean they plan to promote and market: The Ex-Girlfriend Jeans. The idea, according to Levi’s, is to market a brand of incredibly skinny men’s jeans that will remind guys of their ex-girlfriend, presummably because they are so snug that your lost lover could have worn them. Because nothing says “Nostalgic Longing for Ended Romance” like mashing your balls against your stomach! God, I wish I was makin this up.