Listless: Week One

big momma's house 3

(Writer’s note: I really hope you all enjoy what will henceforth be a new feature here on Heave every Thursday.)

Tomorrow, the first of 27 movie sequels released in 2011 will hit theaters. Unfortunately, the good shit isn’t coming until around May. For now, we get Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son. I really try my best to not simplistically villify any movie, because as a lifelong cinephile there’s always that hope that you’ll be surprised, and that no film can be truly bad because it’s all part of the cinematic experience. That said, I’m also aware that some movies truly are that bad and that in all likelihood Big Mommas is going to form the celluloid equivalent of a steaming bag of dicks.

However, I really don’t know anything about it. I know it’s the third installment in an inexplicably popular Martin Lawrence series about a really fat woman, and that this one involves clearly struggling comedian Brandon Jackson as his son. With that in mind, and respecting the fact that I feel looking this movie up on IMDB is a gross waste of everything that site has given the world, let me offer this instead:

5 Things Which, For All I Know, Could Happen In Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son

1) After a climactic football game in which Big Momma jumps for the game-winning interception, he’s approached by his long-lost son, who offers him a Coke. He parches his undoubtedly overwhelming thirst (for telling vaguely racist jokes AND playing NCAA-quality football is hard work), and returns the gesture by throwing his entire fat suit at his son. Much like Shia LaBeouf picking up Indy’s fedora at the end of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the door is now open for several more installments.

2) The film takes a page from the book of last year’s Catfish in turning a seemingly fake story into a very real documentary, when halfway through the movie the fourth wall is broken. In a shocking twist, the executive in charge of this film at 20th Century Fox enters the scene and begins to furiously pleasure himself using the stacks of money he made from the first two installments.

3) After a game of Russian Roulette in a Vietnamese prisoner camp goes horribly wrong, Big Momma’s son is left to cradle his dying father in his arms. This odd narrative turn ends up uncannily connecting with the audience, who by that point are probably experiencing something similar.

4) While wearing the suit, Big Momma will accidentally seduce someone who’s too attractive for him, in the film. Without the suit, Martin Lawrence will accidentally seduce someone who’s too attractive for him, in real life.

5) Martin Lawrence will make a bunch of fart jokes, his son will make funny confused faces at him and a whole bunch of people will pay to watch it because The Roommate was sold out.